Operation: Get A Life

My Heart Is Broken

2011-12-17T01:00:00.002-05:00

I will endure till the end of time torn away from you.

I pull away to face the pain.
I close my eyes and drift away.
Over the fear that I will never find
A way to heal my soul.
And I will endure till the end of time
Torn away from you.

My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my dark angel
Deliver us from sorrow's hold
Or from my hard heart.
I can't go on living this way
And I can't go back the way I came
Shamed of this fear that I will never find
A way to heal my soul
And I will endure till the end of time
Half a life without you

My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my dark angel
Deliver us

Change - open your eyes to the light
I've denied it for so long, oh so long
Say goodbye, goodbye

My heart is broken
Release me, I can't hold on
Deliver us
My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my dark angel
Deliver us
My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my dark angel
Deliver us from sorrow's hold

In Closing...

2011-07-10T18:50:00.000-04:00

It's been quite a ride. As this blog no longer fits my life (because I'm living one that's exceeded my expectations), I invite you to view my new blog:

This blog is less cathartic and more about living life to the fullest. Thanks for sticking with me so long xoxo

Driving home from the Jersey Shore, I was flipping through the radio stations and heard this beautiful voice singing to a lovely piano. After fist pumping guido jams, this was the kind of music I needed. As I listened to the words, they resonated with me. It's a bit on the religious side, but I wanted to share because it made me smile and it's a fitting end to this blog :)

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home
This is not our home

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

Rope

2011-06-25T19:59:00.000-04:00

'Give people enough rope and they will hang themselves', goes the old addage...hmmm

This indecision got me climbing up the walls
I’ve been cheating gravity and waiting on the falls
How did this come over me, I thought I was above it all
Our hopes gone up in smoke, swallow your crown
Choke! On a kiss, I thought I’d save my breath for you
Choke! On a kiss, I thought I’d save my breath for you
Give me some rope I’m coming loose, I’m hanging on you
Give me some rope I’m coming loose, I’m pulling for you now
Give me some rope I’m coming, out of my head, into clear when you, go,
I, go, Lose

These premonitions got me crying up a storm
Leave your condition, this position does no harm

Choke! On a kiss, I thought I’d save my breath for you
Choke! On a kiss, I thought I’d save my breath for you
Give me some rope I’m coming loose, I’m hanging on you
Give me some rope I’m coming loose, I’m pulling for you now
Give me some rope I’m coming, out of my head, into clear when you, go,
I, go, Lose

Making it Right

2011-05-29T12:35:00.000-04:00

New Year's Eve of 2000 was legendary. I had just moved into my new apartment and met a group of fun new girls thanks to my roommate, Erin. We all meshed well because we were all so different, yet so complimentary as a group. Our group was comprised of: Dena (the funny one), Michelle (the conservative one), Nancy (the crazy one), Rose (the responsible one), and Me (the trendy one). I truly loved each and every one of those ladies for their unique qualities and good hearts. The best one-liners came out of that ski trip to Hunter mountain with this crew; we even still post them on each other's Facebook walls. It was the best weekend catching strep-throat I ever had!

Unfortunately, people change and no longer become compatible. I seperated myself from the group and I had my reasons at the time. A couple of the ladies got into relationships and me, being single, no longer had the same interests. Some of the girls didn't have the money to go to the trendy clubs I liked to frequent at that time, so we stopped going out together. I definately regret losing touch, but, that was a different time and we were all so young. Social networking has reconnected many of us once again.

More than one of the girls had some repressed anger issues in regards to me choosing a different path and leaving our fun group. One of the girls, Rose, was more vocal than the rest of them. She was judging me based on my attitude she knew from many years ago and on my current Facebook photos. If you look at my Facebook pictures, it appears that all I do is go out to night spots, drink, and meet boys. I truly don't; I much prefer to be with family or with my friends out to dinner or the movies (I prefer lame over lounge, believe me!). When I'm out in a nightclub, I get realllllly bored. To pass the time, I'll whip out my camera and take 9 million pictures. When I'm doing something that I truly love, such as take my nieces to the park, I am engaged in a meaningful, joyful experience. The last thing I think about is taking out my camera. In short, my Facebook makes me appear like a narcissistic party girl; my reality is very different.

When I had a falling out with this former friend, it hurt me. It hurt me that she didn't recognize that I had grown-up, changed, and evolved. Through emailing, she finally 'got it'; got the message that she was judging me based on past hurts. It means the world to me that she apologized for being unjustly harsh with me. Thank you Rose for your emails and it means a lot that you have tried to make it right between us :) It reaffirms my faith that EVERYTHING can be made right again!

Hi Hater!

2011-05-06T15:10:00.003-04:00

Dear Hater:

#1 I know who you are, so stop wasting your time commenting on my blog since I will never post your comments (remember everyone leaves a cyber trail).

#2 I am flattered (and a tad frightened) that you are stalking me through cyberspace. Just a friendly suggestion: that energy might be better spent looking for some gainful employment or maybe going to a religious service to pray for us horrible human beings to be more like you.

#3 I am a single woman who works hard and spends most of her time with her loving and supportive family. If I want to go to a lounge and blow off steam (like 90% of single adults), what's so bad about that? And why do you care (again see statement #2)?

#4 If going out to have fun makes me a 'party girl' then so be it! I also work my ass off, pay taxes, go to church, debate politics, attend sporting events, love to hear live music, and volunteer as a mentor. Do I deserve a medal, Jackwagon? My point was a 'party girl' is not my soul or essence and there's so much more to me than a party.

Look Sweetness, everyone has done things in their past that they wouldn't repeat if they had a chance; I went out a lot. Big deal! Life was very shallow back then and I, like most 20-somethings, was 'lost'. Now I take it for what it is; a way to pass the time. I can't regret that part of my life because it brought me to this point; and we are all meant to be exactly where we are right now! What was so bad about going out and having fun anyway? Nothing I ever did was bad! Did you read that blog entry since that was the whole point, HolierthanThou?

#5 If the local paprazzi takes a picture of me, why do you care? I attended an event and I was photographed. Call the scandal police because a lounge used my picture on their website! I must be a freakin' Jezebel! Let mr preserve my looks while I have them because beauty fades.

Do yourself a favor, Hater; worry about your own pristine life and stop hating on my life of sin-making and evil. I'm just starting to reap the benefits of good karma. Maybe everything I had to go through was paying back some of the bad things I did in a negative karmic retribution. If karma exists, you better watch what you put out there...you will reap the judgemental seeds you sow!

*Stop searching for me on Mylife too...I have evidence and will go get a restraining order and charge you with stalking and harassment if necessary. Not good to have on one's record...especially when looking for a job. I got a life;perhaps you should get one too!

Don't Give a F*ck 'Bout My Bad Reputation

2011-04-28T15:34:00.000-04:00

Boy likes girl. Persues girl. They become friends on Satan's most evil invention, 'Facebook'. They flirt. Boy gets messages from random haters such as:

"How do you know Tracey?"
"You know Tracey is all fake?"
"Pretty girl-but it's because she's all full of plastic surgery."
"I heard she's a gold-digger."
"She's really nice and very pretty, but, she's a party girl."

Boy tells off the haters with great one-liners such as:

"None of your fucking business!"
"I like my women fake."
"Beautiful girl...so?"
"Good thing I'm rich!"
"So?"

Girl is very grateful that boy is more intrigued that girl has a 'fan club' of haters and loves to tell haters to "f*ck off". I am a tad perplexed about my 'reputation'. Is it a rep that I earned or has it been created by a jealous ex-love interest or a frienemy?

Reflecting back on my life, I am sad to say that I was not always spiritually enlightened and I was not always the nicest person. It took me a long time to figure out who I was; it was a process. In my younger years I was all about the good time and party scene. Everyone was my friend, good-looking guys were easy to meet, and I was treated regally because club promoters cater to the 'pretty' girls. The scene was as fake and phony as everyone's breast implants and steroid muscles, but, I was young and it was fun during that time. Then, I grew up, matured, and it became un-fun. I became more of a mellow bar, band, and beer girl and if I didn't go out saturday night? It wasn't the end of the world. Maybe my rep came from the days back when I used to go out and club a lot (twelve years ago, mind you lol).

I grew into a woman that values my friendships. A lot of my friendships were hollow and superficial back in those party days. God really wanted me to find my potential and that's why He blessed me with the most difficult two years I ever had in my personal life. I had learned how to selflessly love and I gave everything I had to make my relationship work; it wasn't meant to be. I had to let go and move foward. It took me two years to do so and every single day, I learn a little bit more about myself.

Through my pain, I became the person I always wanted to be; but, it was hard! I never want to go through that struggle again! Everything was taken away from me: my love, my life as I knew it, my beauty, my youth, my spirit. But, it's all back! My love is for myself and my family and friends that I adore! My life as I know it now is so amazing, I can't believe it's mine! My beauty is back, b*tches (haha!)...I worked hard to restore this body to it's glory! My youth? I'm still young and look a lot younger than I am (must be all of my plastic surgery haha!)! But now, I have the wisdom of someone that has lived and the money to fly off on the weekend to Vegas!

It bothered me that folks were messaging this man about me; but, then I thought about it...Reputation is what people think they are based on superficial information. Character is who you truly are and that's what shines through on a daily basis. That's what is truly important! So, keep talking if you wan't; my character is a shield to your slings and arrows. I love who I have become and if I had to be a 'party girl' twelve years ago to get to this place, then so be it! I don't give a flying f*ck about my bad reputation :)

Yes...This is For You

2011-04-28T15:06:00.002-04:00

There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch, it's bringing me out the dark
Finally I can see you crystal clear
Go 'head and sell me out and I'll lay your shit bare

See how I leave with every piece of you
Don't underestimate the things that I will do

There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch
And it's bring me out the dark

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling

We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside of your hands
And you played it
To the beat

Baby I have no story to be told
But I've heard one of you
And I'm gonna make your head burn
Think of me in the depths of your despair
Making a home down there
It Reminds you of the home we shared

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling

We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside of your hands
And you played it
To the beat

Throw your soul through every open door
Count your blessings to find what you look for
Turned my sorrow into treasured gold
You pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow

We could have had it all
We could have had it all
It all, it all it all,
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart and soul
And you played it
To the beat

Cold

2011-04-23T18:09:00.001-04:00

Life has been so full and incredible that it has been staggeringly difficult to find the time to write! Many blessed opportunities and interesting people have come into my life. I am so overjoyed and thrilled at the up-turn life has taken for me and I can only thank God for helping me to stay the course and plod on through the turbulence. However, in every life some rain does have to fall and it has inspired me to write today.

Last weekend I had the good fortune of getting a gratis suite in my favorite casino in Atlantic City. It was so delightful to get away with the girls and execute a few of my favorite pastimes (gambling, drinking, dancing, and flirting). The cards were hot, the vodka was flowing, the dancing atop couches commenced, but there was a little problem with the flirting part. This is a problem I find myself reliving since I became a single woman. I believed it would go away with time, but, it’s been two years and it’s still present! My problem? I don’t like anyone enough to even flirt and it makes me sad.

My deepest fear is that I loved someone soooo much and got soooo hurt, that now I have become unable to love. Well, I can love…just not in the romantic sense of the word. When I meet someone new, I like them for a day and then I’m over it. This has never been typical of my emotions before I got my heart stepped on, spat on, and pounded into a bloody pulp into the asphalt. Is it possible that a person can get hurt so badly that their heart goes numb?

I am keeping faithful that one day God will send the man that melts this ice queen. I pray that when he comes into my life, I’ll just “know” that he’s the one I’ve been waiting to meet. Cognitively, I want to ‘like’ someone; it’s just the emotional piece that makes me feel like my heart resides in prison. In a weird way, I empathize with my ex. He was hurt so badly in childhood that he had this issue. I just wish he didn’t pretend to love me, but, I won’t make that mistake twice. I’m just keeping the faith…it’s all I can do.

The Bend in the Road

2011-03-16T20:32:00.002-04:00

My favorite poem by Helen Steiner Rice...enjoy!

Sometimes we come to life's crossroads
And we view what we think is the end.
But God has a much wider vision
And he knows that it's only a bend-

The road will go on and get smoother
And after we've stopped for a rest,
The path that lies hidden beyond us
Is often the path that is best.

So rest and relax and grow stronger,
Let go and let God share your load
And have faith in a brighter tomorrow-
You've just come to a bend in the road.

Dear Single Ladies (and Single Gents, too)...

2011-03-15T14:30:00.000-04:00

It's funny that through blogging that I have become the "Dear Abby" of single women. It's a role I am happy to take on, because it gives meaning to my own tribulations and pain. Isn't it helpful for us all to know that we are not alone in our search for a companion with which to share our lives? So many women have written, texted, and spoken to me lately about their frustrations with being 'single' and with the dating process, I felt compelled to address the subject.

A long time has passed for me (almost 2 years) since I made the choice to leave a toxic relationship and choose to go it alone. There is a sad, quiet dignity and grace in choosing the hard road of being 'alone' instead of spending your life together with someone who leaves you empty and unfulfilled. I know I could be married tomorrow, but, that's not what adds meaning to my life. I rather wait for 'the one' that makes me grow as a spirit and adds joy to my already-full life. Why suffer through life with an empty, cold person in a pretty wrapper? Allow me to address what you ladies have been coming to me with...

1) "WHAT DOES IT MEAN WHEN HE DOES THIS..." or says this or gives me this odd look or texts me this... LADIES, STOP!!! This may not be what you wan't to hear, but the right man is not going to leave you wondering or dissecting his every move. If you are contantly doing this with the men you date then, #1 they may not be the right man for you or #2 you may need to get a life and stop hitching your happiness wagon to a man's caboose. Us gals are analytical creatures, I get that...but isn't life difficult enough without feeling insecure?

2) "I MISS HIM BECAUSE WE USED TO..." go to the park on sundays or go to Yankees games together or to dinner and a movie every friday... I know this is a difficult one, especially after a fresh break-up. I, too struggled with this for a long time and it seemed everything and everyone in the world was conspiring against me. One day I woke up an said, 'So we used to go to Atlantic City together. Why can't I still go and have fun?" I wrangled up a posse and had more fun then I ever had with any ex! It's the same with the movies, the park, a ballgame, or any activity you previously enjoyed with a man. Grab a pal and do it or, if no one is around--do it solo!!!

3) "I AM SO UNHAPPY WITHOUT A MAN" If this is your thinking, you may wan't to seek out a good therapist to help you set your perspective straight. I am serious about that statement! Happiness comes from inside of you, not from anyone else. If you are only happy because of a man or anyone else, you will never be happy. How many couples, married and unmarried, are together and detest their partner? Personally, it's the majority of couples that I know. Even though I experienced seering pain I would never wish on my worst enemy, I eventually learned the true joy that lived inside of my heart. Unbeknownst to me, I discovered that I really am a happy gal with so much for which to be thankful. Every night I wrote out a list of 3 things I was grateful for in a notebook. On some bad days, my entries would be lame ("I'm grateful that I didn't eat the chocolate because I had a rotten day"). Over time, I started writing list upon list of all the blessings I had that had been in my life all along! I never took full advantage of these God-given gifts, but now I am making the most of them!

I woke up one day and I was filled with vigor! The thought was planted in my mind that I was going to do it all and see it all while I had the money and energy to do so! Since I started living my life i that way (I call it "living aggressively"), so many wonderful people and opportunities have presented themselves. My hope is that my note empowers the droves of you that have been seeking my counsel. I've been through the pits of hell and back (just ask my close friends and family how bad I was). I rode through grief, depression, sorrow and made my way to the sunny side. If I can do it, I know you can!

Everything you need in your life to get you to the level you want to be at is already there! You are reading this for a reason! Make the most of your life. It is never too late!

God bless you on your jouney! XO!

.

Everything DOES Happen for a Reason

2011-03-06T22:22:00.002-05:00

Is it really true that everything happens for a reason? After all, that's an amazing thing to say; no matter what happens to you, not only does something valuable come out of it but it's just what you need or what was ordained.

It has takem 36 lomg years, but I can finally say I truly believe this cliche I have preached for years. I now see that though fights and suffering will come (of which, I have had my share); wonderful gifts, hidden opportunities, and life-shaping lessons have waited on the other side.

Sometimes it's easier for us to believe that everything happens for a reason. We see it in little ways, like when our plans for an evening out fall through at the last minute, and we discover that Plan B was infinately more fun. Other times, we see it in not-so-little ways. A woman I know wrenched her back and had to spend a month in bed. She felt this was the last thing she needed in her life, particularly since it happened at a time when she had to make some important decisions. And then it hit her-this was exactly what she needed. Her old habit had been to rush impetuously into a new decision without thinking it through. Now it was as if life was commanding her, "If you won't give yourself time to think, I will."

We very much want to believe that the things that happen to us have great meaning. It's the way we feel life should be. Yes, some days we feel our life's a soap opera. But we want-we need-to have the sense that there's a purpose and value to it all. And we're right.

I want to reassure you: When you discover the true meaning of the events in your life, everything changes.

You feel stronger because your sense that everything has meaning gives you great confidence.

You feel wiser because you see how everything connects.

You're more in touch with who you are because you know that you're living the life you were meant to lead.

You're happier because you're able to put the losses behind you and have a sense of a future filled with hope.

It was too painful for me not to believe that there was a reason for all of the losses I suffered the last couple of years. I searched for meaning and when one was not immediately evident, I simply relied on my faith to carry me through. Faith is a difficult concept; but, mine has remained strong. I believe that God loves me and wants me to be happy because he created me and I am his daughter. I believe that all of the unsettling heartache was for a reason and would ultimately come together and result in a greater happiness for me. After a seemingly endless period of time, life is starting to come together.

Losing the 'love-of-my-life' still hurts sometimes, but I know I rather be alone and grasp life with both hands then be caged in a tiny cell by someone else's insecurities. Opportunities abound in the last month that are staggering!

I went on a couple of dates with this ~~metrosexual who is the most idiotic guy I have ever had to suffer on a date with~~ guy who was friends with a group of my friends. Without going into particulars, I would have rather gone out with Obama (I'm a staunch conservative, so you do the math). Anyways-to make a long story short, it caused a lot of drama in that friend circle and I chose to leave that friend circle behind. I don't mean to cast judgements, but I'm not really a fan of thirty-somethings living like they are teenagers anyway. Even though it was an upsetting experience, leaving them behind has been amazing! Nurturing friends have come back in to my life; people that are kind and supportive and don't act like spoiled teenagers. These friends make me feel good and I am having so much fun doing things with them! Parties, concerts, dining, horseback riding! I have even started going back to church regularly at the urging of one of my friends. Not that I believe everything the Catholic church stands for, and I'm not going to be tucking away the cleavage anytime soon, but I am down with the King and I feel good when I attend mass.

I was afraid I might lose my job because of the assault being done on teachers in the media. I decided to make extra dough and save it and spend less. I started to go to a more cost-effective spa for my beauty up-keep. The doctor at the this new spa told me that he 'loves my face' and wants me to be the face of all of his advertising! I have a photoshoot with a professional photographer, make-up artist, hair, etc. scheduled and I am very excited! After feeling beat down for a long time, being validated for being 'pretty' was a truly refreshing compliment. AND I get free treatments for my participation saving me thousands of dollars!

I'm not done!

A local performer noticed my penchant for being humorous. Two years ago, a psychic friend told me that she saw me performing as a stand-up comedian; and, crazy as it seems, I am!!! I am in the process of refining my routine and will be performing within the next couple of months with my friends show.

Spurred by all of these recent opportunities, I am overcome with happiness. I want to do EVERYTHING!

I am interested to see where all of this is going to go! After all, everything happens for a reason!

70 Years to Live

2011-03-02T15:58:00.090-05:00

During a commercial break from Charlie Sheen's ~~psychotic~~ ~~meltdown~~ interview last evening, my mother said to me, "Hey! I read your blog and I don't understand why would you still have feelings for ~~Douchelord~~ 'Ex'?" "No way ma! You're not receiving the message I am trying to send if you think I still love ~~Douchelord~~ him?" I replied.

It then occured to me that maybe some of you out there are reading my posts the same way as my ma! Do I get upset during a random bump-in with the ex? Yep! Do I get upset during a chance bump-in with other exes? Nope! Does this mean that I am secretly 'in love' with the ex? HELL TO THE NO! I would rather volunteer to be one of Charlie Sheen's 'Godesses' then go back out with ~~the douchelord~~ him! Allow me to explain using a weak analogy...

Running into the ~~Douchelord~~ ex is akin to interviewing for a job. There is always one job that you hope to land with all of your might. You have dreamed of working at this company since you first laid eyes on it's beautiful classified on Monster.com. You interview with many companies and get offered lots of other jobs; the bosses are downright courting you to choose their company. They are lavishing attention and expensive gifts on you to choose to work there because they know how rare and valuable you are in this world. It's nice to be shmoozed, but, you really put all of your hopes on landing 'the one and only' dream job. Everyone else wants you and that feels good. But nothing feels as bad as getting rejected from the one company you envisioned working for your whole life. If you're not getting my queer 'job' analogy, let me break it down further for you...

I was always the type of girl that never wanted to get married or have babies. The marrying kind I was not until he stepped into my life. Guys were a fun distraction from a mundane work week, but, he was different. Everything just felt different with this one. I fell in love. Everything changed; I wanted to be June Cleaver baking brownies and entertaining in my best apron instead of fist-pumping at the club with mindless meatheads. I wanted to marry him, have children with him. I did everything for him and devoted all of my energy and life to him. No matter how much I gave nothing was ever enough. Like Charlie Sheen in the midst of a cocaine binge, he sucked everything up and gave me nothing in return. Empty promises kept me hanging on until the bitter end. All of these other men desired me because they could see I had a huge heart underneath my bodacious bod, but, the one man I wanted rejected me and everything about me I thought was special. It was a huge dissapointment when I had to cut my losses and walk away from that relationship; and even more difficult to learn certain truths about him after I left. It had to be done and I do not regret not wasting one more second settling for inferior treatment. I know someone will come along that will value all that I am and overlook the flaws that make me human.

Forgiveness has not been easy, but I eventually landed at the place where I forgive him in my heart. This does not mean that I can forget all of the ugliness that morphed into the lessons I learned. When I see him, I can't help but feel sick and angry. Emotions that I bury when he's out-of-sight and out-of-mind creep to the surface when I am confronted by his presence. I see him talk to some ~~big-nosed skank~~ girl and I feel like screaming at him while beating on his chest, "Is this a better life than the one I gave to you? I'm smart, funny, cute, have a great family and a great heart! Is this skank better than me and the love you threw away?"

It's not love I feel for him, it's amazement or wonderment. Awestruck by his ability to completely ignore my very existence after all of the years we shared together. He's heartless and I feel sorry for him and his inability to feel.

God wanted me to live a different life. I'm too good to wait-on a man hand-and-foot, submitting to every whim (especially a man that is incapable of loving me back). I have too much to give to this world and with him, he was my world. There is so more to this life than a routine of work, gym, cook dinner, and watch 'Smallville'. With my health-consicousness, I have at least 70 more years to live on this planet and I want to do EVERYTHING! The world is opening to me in ways I have never dreamed of; including a foray into stand-up comedy. Yes; I am working on becoming a stand-up comic after being 'discovered' (don't worry; I will blog about this new adventure as I am learning a new craft). Life is a party and I'm going to celebrate like Charlie Sheen (minus the hookers, porn stars, and crack). I want to study, paint, sculpt, sing, laugh, and love. I only have 70 years left in which to cram a wealth of new experiences. I'm certaintly not coming back to this planet after I pass on. Merely exisiting is not an option; I'm going out having lived! During my euology, I wan't to eavesdrop and hear about all of the fabulous adventures I had and the lives I touched. 70 years to live!

The End is Where I Begin

2011-02-28T22:54:00.000-05:00

Sometimes tears say all there is to say
Sometimes your first scars won't fade away

Tried to break my heart, well it's broke
Tried to hang me high, well I'm choked
Wanted rain on me, well I'm soaked, soaked to the skin
It's the end where I begin, it's the end where I begin

Sometimes we don't learn from our mistakes
And sometimes we've no choice but to walk away, far away

Tried to break my heart, well it's broke
Tried to hang me high, well I'm choked
Wanted rain on me, well I'm soaked, soaked to the skin
It's the end where I begin, it's the end where I begin

Now I'm alive and the ghosts are gone
I've shed all the pain, I've been holding on
The cure for a heart is to move along
So move along, move along

What don't kill a heart only makes it strong

Sometimes tears say all there is to say
Sometimes your first scars don't ever fade away

Tried to break my heart, well it's broke
Tried to hang me high, well I'm choked
Wanted rain on me, well I'm soaked, soaked to the skin
It's the end, end where I, end where I, end where I begin
It's the end where I, end where I, end where I begin

Sometimes we don't learn from our mistakes
And sometimes we've no choice but to walk away, away

Tomorrow is a new day
And you will fade away...I begin

Lesson

2011-02-28T16:24:00.000-05:00

Everywhere I go, someone comments that I look like “somebody”. Most of the time I get that I resemble Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas. Once in a while, I am told that I look like Kirstie Alley (“When she was thin”, people will quickly state). I’ve even heard that I resemble Jessica Simpson, Stephanie Seymour, or a young Priscilla Presley (Huh?). So when I went out Saturday night to watch the UFC fights, I wasn’t surprised when the new girls I met started comparing me to different celebrities. All of a sudden one of the girls shrieked, “Look! There’s Ronnie from the Jersey Shore”. As they turned around to see ‘Ronnie’ they howled with laughter; I, on the other hand, felt ill. It was him; the ‘ex’, ‘Satan’, ‘life ruiner’ (whatever you want to call him). Not only was he there, but he knocked into me and didn’t even realize it was me! Even though I felt like vomiting, I tried to joke it off by stating, “I guess I’m Sammie Sweetheart” which was met by nervous laughter.

Tired from a wedding the night before, I threw on a sweatshirt and jeans. Not only did I bump into ‘him’, but, I didn’t look my best while doing it. Now it made sense to my girlfriend upon getting me a beer why some strange dude said to his friend, “Shit! Tracey is here”. Tried as I might to enjoy myself, it wasn’t happening for me; it was strange and sad at the same time. These were the guys that I used to feed at my house during the fights. I waited on them hand and foot and here I was three-feet away being ignored so they could chat with nasty-looking skanks.

I wanted to have fun and socialize, but on the inside, I longed to crawl up into a little ball and die. Psychologically, I used all of my little tricks, but whenever I see him, I feel like a spaz. Even the beer did little to steady my nerves. Instead of after-partying at a club with boys buying us a table, I headed home with tears welling up in my eyes.

God and I had a conversation that night. He is a really good listener, but, the answers aren’t as clear. “What am I supposed to learn from this God? Why? This is my neighborhood, why is he here? It’s not fair that I am such a good person and I am doing all of the ‘right’ things, but the sight of him makes me cry and hurt? Please help me understand what I am to learn!” I begged God for an answer, any answer! It just didn’t make sense that I was feeling so much pain and that I had not found the person I am meant to be with yet; it was almost two years already-come on, God!

I had a sleepless night between my adrenaline rush and my niece vomiting on my father upstairs (it got matted in his back hairs and everything--gross!). An answer did come to me after begging and pleading and fighting off adrenaline’s stress reaction all night. Maybe I was not the one who was supposed to learn a lesson from seeing ex; maybe he is the one supposed to learn a lesson from seeing me? Hmmmmm…this made more sense. I left the relationship because I was settling for inferior treatment. I did the hard work of recommitting to a happy life on my own terms. I became humble and more kind because of the heartache I felt. The heartache made me a better teacher, daughter, aunt, sibling, and friend. But, has he learned anything? Is his life better or is he doing what he does best; repressing pain and not confronting his emotions? Again, this made sense. In the time since he has broken my heart, I know of at least one other girl he used and broke too. You can’t just go around your whole life hurting people and breaking hearts and not expect karma to smack you on the ass at some point. Maybe him coming into my neighborhood (because God knows I avoid him like the ebola virus) and running into me is for him to learn; to look into the face of the woman who gave her life selflessly for him and feel sorry. Maybe even take responsibility or make amends for the pain he caused me and my family.

I’m honest and I’m real and even though I give my wants to God, I get impatient. It still hurts to see him and I wonder if my heart will ever be ‘normal’ again. I wonder when will it be my turn to reap the rewards for my sorrows. I wonder will I ever get justice in this regard. Looking at using me as a potential lesson for someone else would mean God has a lot of faith in me as a resilient spirit. He knows I can take it and that it will all be for my benefit in time. I hit a wall when I saw him because I have had a lot heaped on my shoulders in the past couple of years, but God (and older brothers) made me a fighter. I have to keep doing the right things and living my life and trust in God.

Did Fergie quit show business when she pissed her pants in front of a live audience? No, she didn’t. So this minor setback won’t stop me from getting to where I know I will be…let's just hope ex learned his lesson so I don't have to see him again.

Thanks for the Kick in the Ass, Rocky Balboa

2011-02-27T19:13:00.001-05:00

"The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that!"

Sorry

2011-02-27T13:03:00.000-05:00

You like to hurt me
You know that you do
You like to think in some way
That it's me and not you
(But we know that isn't true)

You like to have me
Jump and be good
But I don't want to do it
You don't know why I don't act
The way you think I should

You thought they'd make me
Behave and submit
What were you thinking
'Cause I don't forget

You don't know why
I won't give in
To hell with the pressure
I'm not caving in
You know that I got
Under your skin
You sold your soul
But I won't let you win

You talk too much
You say I do
Difference is nobody cares about you

You've got all the answers
You know everything
Why nobody asked you
It's a mystery to me

I'm sorry for you
Not sorry for me
You don't know who in the hell to
Or not to believe

I'm sorry for you
Not sorry for me
You don't know who you can trust now
Or you should believe

You don't know who you can trust now
Or you should believe

You close your eyes
All well and good
I'll kick your ass
Like I said that I would

You tell them stories
They'd rather believe
Use and confuse them
They're numb and naïve
The truth is the truth hurts don't you agree
It's harder to live with the truth about you
Than to live with the lies about me

Nobody owes you
Not one God damn thing
You know where to put your
Promised diamond ring

I'm sorry for you
Not sorry for me
You don't know who in the hell to
Or not to believe
I'm sorry for you
Not sorry for me
You chose to hurt those that love you
And not set them free

You chose to hurt those that love you
And not set them free

You don't need
Anybody else to be
Sorry for you
You've got no heart

You can't see
All that you've done for me
I know the reasons
You tear me apart...

I'm No Pussy

2011-02-19T00:40:00.003-05:00

2011 could not have started out better if I scripted it with my guardian angels above; I had the most fun New Years Eve I could recall that ended with thousands of extra dollars in my pocket (big hit on ‘Let It Ride’ in the casino). My social life was exciting, I lost ten pounds in the month of January, and I finally reached a ‘happy place’. Fast forward to February and my head is spinning with all of the seemingly negative changes that have taken place; potentially life-altering changes.

My teaching career, after 13-years-of-dedicated-service and seniority in my department, is no longer secure thanks to my criminal state trying to balance the budget off of my back. Potentially losing one’s livelihood is enough to make a person ill; but, add other problems to the mix and I’m one bad news story away from the funny farm. I went to looking at new cars in January to looking at potential new career options since education in this country is under attack and I, as a teacher, am the devil incarnate.

Excuse my potty mouth, but, I’m no pussy! I’m a fighter; however, even the greatest-mythical-fighter-of-all-time, Rocky, got down on himself in every movie (usually during the first music montage; the second montage is where he gets his shit together and looks good in all that sweat). I try desperately to escape my mind when disconcerting thoughts invade and a downtrodden mood takes hold. The gym, a restaurant, a bar, the mall, reading, writing, playing with my nieces, or television are all helpful escape routes from the anxiety clouding my mind. However, even these 'escape routes' are filled with pessimism lately; I overhear conversations at the gym of people who got laid off. I try and make plans with friends for dinner or a drink and they are broke because they can’t find a job. I walk through the mall and see all the stores that have gone out of business. The news I read and watch scares me as I see the division and chaos our country and the world is in. Sometimes I wonder, 'how much worse can it get'? I’m scared to think of the answer.

It’s so easy to get lost in this negativity; last week I used the word ‘buried’ to describe how I felt. The last couple of years have been a struggle and just when I climbed out of that ditch, I feel like I was thrown in to another hole. There I am clawing my way out of the dirt that has been piled upon my barely breathing body to get air. It may sound dramatic, but that’s a graphic representation of my experience. But remember…I’m no pussy and Rocky always wins in the end (except the last one, but it was a victory just to go the distance).

Perspective is the way you look at things. Perspective is the difference between suffocating under the weight of the dirt piled upon you or sifting through it with your bare hands until you climb out and breathe in the fresh air. I decided to look at my problems (and the problems of others) with a fresh perspective; my problems are my teachers. The amount of stress we feel due to our problems has more to do with how we relate to them than the actual problems themselves. Problems present us with a circumstance we wish was different. The more we want them to go away, the bigger force these troubles play in our lives. If I mentally flip the ‘problems' around and embrace them, what can I learn?

If I ever lost my teaching job, I do realize in this economic climate, my career would probably be over (I am being a realist, not a cynic). Distressing indeed, but, what can I take away from this? Maybe I fulfilled my purpose and I am meant to do other things in life. Perhaps this is a scare to teach me to better manage money and save more for a rainy day. Possibly it is to humble me and compel me to be grateful for my vocation. It could be a push to get off my complacent ass and get that second job bartending or sending of my freelance articles to magazines.

What I have always noticed about my problems is that if I don’t learn my lesson the first time, those lessons come back bigger and badder during the second time. I also notice that when I learn the lessons, that problem disappears. Just when I think I have this life thing all figured out, I revert to a lower-level of thinking. It’s so easy to let the negatives creep in and take hold. Everything hurts when the negatives latch on; your mind, body, heart, soul, and spirit feel beat down and knocked-out. Well, I’m not going to let that happen to me. Today is a new day and a chance to make a rainbow from all of that rain.

I’m no pussy!

Maybe So, Maybe Not...

2011-02-17T19:33:00.000-05:00

There once was a village that had among its people a very wise old man. The villagers trusted this man to provide them answers to their questions and concerns. One day, a farmer from the village went to the wise man and said in a frantic tone, “Wise man, help me. A horrible thing has happened. My ox has died and I have no animal to help me plow my field! Isn’t this the worst thing that could have possibly happened?” The wise old man replied,” Maybe so, maybe not.” The man hurried back to the village and reported to his neighbors that the wise man had gone mad. Surely this was the worst thing that could have happened. Why couldn’t he see this?

The next day, however, a strong young horse was seen near the man’s farm. Because the man had no ox to rely on, he had the idea to catch to replace his ox; and he did. How joyful the farmer was. Plowing the field had never been easier. He went back to the wise man to apologize,” You are right, wise man. Losing my ox wasn’t the worst thing that could have happened. It was a blessing in disguise! I never would have captured my new horse had that not happened. You must agree that this is the best thing that could have happened.” The wise man replied once again,” Maybe so, maybe not.” Not again, thought the farmer. Surely the wise man had gone mad now. But, once again, the farmer did not know what was to happen.

A few days later the farmer’s son was riding the horse and was thrown off. He broke his leg and would not be able to help with the crop. Oh no, thought the man. Now we will starve to death. Once again, the farmer went to the wise man. This time he said,” How did you know that capturing my horse was not a good thing? You were right again. My son is injured and won’t be able to help with the crop. This time I’m sure that this is the worst thing that could have possibly happened. You must agree this time.” But just as he had done before, the wise man calmly looked at the farmer and in a compassionate tone replied once again, “Maybe so, maybe not.” Enraged that the wise man could be so ignorant, the farmer stormed back to the village.

The next day troops arrived to take every able-bodied man to the war that had just broken out. The farmer’s son was the only young man in the village who didn’t have to go. He would live, while the others would surely die.

The moral of this story provides a powerful lesson. The truth is, we don’t know what’s going to happen; we just think we do. Often we make a big deal out of something. We blow up scenarios in our minds about all the terrible things that are going to happen. Most of the time we are wrong. If we keep our cool and stay open to possibilities, we can be reasonably certain that, eventually, all will be well. Remember, maybe so, maybe not.

Taken from “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff… and it’s all small stuff” by Richard Carlson, PH.D.

Let Go

2011-02-16T23:27:00.001-05:00

To let go is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To let go is not to try and change another,
I can only change myself.

To let go is not to care for,
But to care about.

To let go is not to manipulate,
but to allow another to find their way.

To let go is not to arrange the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own outcomes.

To let go is not to be protective,
It is to permit another to face reality.

To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.

To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more.

I let it go, now I let what will be in...

Valentine's Day for the Singleton

2011-02-13T20:57:00.000-05:00

Romantic Valentine's Day festival is much awaited by those in love but dreaded by singles!! So much is the hype about the festival that some singles even become depressed about not having a partner several days before the festival when they see stores decorated with candies, chocolates and flowers to lure the one's in love. Some times the sense of isolation becomes so strong that many singles tend to “hate Valentine's Day” - the day that is actually meant to celebrate love.

Many single men and women go to the extent of calling Valentine's Day a ‘Singles Awareness Day'. This is because they feel that the day strongly reminds them of their unattached status and not having someone to spend the day in romantic and much popularized manner. Initials of the day ‘S-A-D' reflect their status of feeling depressed and unloved.

But dateless people must keep in mind that Valentine's Day is not just to be celebrated by romantically involved couples. The festival is celebrated to express love to anyone we are closed to. We can therefore celebrate Valentine's Day with friends, siblings, parents, grandparents, teachers or anyone who made a difference to our lives with their affection and support. We must take opportunity of the Valentine's Day festival to express our love and gratitude to all persons we love. And what better way to do so than by saying it with a gift of roses, chocolates and beautiful cards.

I have been asked out by a few brave souls for a Valentine's Day date; yet, I decided to decline the invitations. Instead, I trekked out to celebrate the evening with some single friends, both male and female, at a wonderful dinner at one of my favorite lounges. We celebrated our freedom from drama and bullshit. To be honest, when I have had a significant other on Valentine's Day, they always did something to ruin it anyway. For example, one year an ex decided to buy me last-minute CVS gifts and proceed to tell me we had to move to Florida. I told him, "Have a nice life. I'll be up here in New York". Who needs that shit? I don't need a date or flowers or fat-inducing chocolates. I don't need a date to validate my attractiveness. My attractiveness was validated when a bus boy told me, "Honey-I'm gay and you're so hot, you gave me a woody." Hilarious!

Singles can make the most of Valentine's Day by spending the day in the company of those they love or by indulging themselves with something luxurious. Here are some tips and ideas on how singles can celebrate the Valentine's Day in charming and memorable fashion:

Valentine's Day Ideas for Singles

Pamper yourself
Buy yourself cute Valentine's Day gifts which could be flowers, a cute teddy or a dress you have been planning to buy since long. Singles may also indulge themselves by going in for spa or head to toe beauty treatment. Indulging in books, CDs, and gourmet meals can be a good way of enjoying the day for some.

Freak out with friends
Plan out a dinner or movie with best friends. You may also throw a “singles party” or “Un-Valentine's Day Party” at your home and have a blast. You will know that life is fun in the company of loving friends.

Acts of Service
Singles can spend Valentine's Day in the meaningful way by spending time with the needy and downtrodden. You may visit an orphanage or old age home and spend time with the inmates there who are always in need of love and affection. Visiting hospitals and giving roses to sick can also be a touching way of experiencing bliss on Valentine's Day.

Express Gratitude for friends and dear ones
Instead of feeling depressed and ashamed for not having a significant other to spend the day, singles can spend Valentine's Day in a constructive manner by expressing love and affection for people around them. One can thank and greet Valentine's Day to one's parents, friends, colleagues, neighbors or anyone dear.

Think Positive
Singles can make the most of Valentine's Day by thinking positive and fighting away Valentine's Day blues. One should not spend the day sulking for not having a spouse or beloved to spend the day in a happy manner.

Focus on Relationship Plan
Singles can focus on their relationship plan on Valentine's Day and prepare themselves for healthy and lasting relationships. One can take help of dating and matrimonial sites to find a partner. Also make a list of what you can do to improve your personality. It could be developing a more healthy and positive approach towards life or working towards one's diet, health and physical appearance. Take steps you think are vital to improve your chances for relationship. Make some resolutions for yourself and stick to them.

A Birthday Poem for my Grandpa!

2011-02-12T11:07:00.002-05:00

A Birthday Poem for my Grandpa. Today is his 90th birthday!

Happy birthday to my grandpa, you’re still young at heart,
So many decades, where should I start?

Relax and eat and let us pick up the bill,
Please find my poem funny and keep me in the will.

You married grandma, a hot little number,
She’s like Betty White, only a little dumber.

Raised 3 kids on Maple street,
And became a cop walking the Chinatown beat.

You have all these grandchildren and great grandchildren too,
Even great grand-dogs who love to sit next to you.

But this poem is about my grandpa who I adore,
Who likes to go gamble on the jersey shore.

In Atlantic City, we met a waiter named Gerard,
Grandpa said, “with that name, you should’ve been beat up in the school yard”.

When I’m in the mood for Applebee,
Grandpa gets me in to the VIP.

Garfield makes sure all our needs are met,
While grandpa tells Lori about his Atlantic City bets.

Grandpa enjoys betting on the ponies,
And yelling at the Mets, calling them bolonies.

The only TV he watches are westerns or sports,
Like watching Uncle John, the only white guy on the basketball courts.

Every Sunday we would walk up to Mike’s,
Grandpa would buy me some pizza and an Italian ice.

Holiday time is a feast with the family,
And for grandpa his yearly visit to the emergency.

Grandpa’s half-deaf and slightly blind,
But of all the grandpas in the world, I’m glad you are mine
Happy Birthday! I love you grandpa!

Abuse on the Shore

2011-02-11T17:33:00.000-05:00

My guilty pleasure is reality television. As an educator, I use my brain all day every day and crave a fix of mindless entertainment after a stressful work day. I used to really enjoy the shit out of watching “Jersey Shore”. Lately, it has become both painful and unbearable to watch. The emotionally and physically abusive relationship between Ronnie and Sammi is disturbing, sick, and sad. Their dysfunction robs the joy out of watching drunk Snookie hook up with juicehead gorillas or the too-cute Pauly D blow the grenade whistle.

The drama with Ron and Sam has been going on for multiple seasons of “Jersey Shore”. There have been many examples of dating abuse ranging from physical (Ronnie pushing Sammi, Sammi punching Ronnie) to psychological (emotional withdrawal, manipulation, intimidation, lack of respect for space and boundaries, power plays). Both are guilty of torturing the other and torturing us viewers.

Last night’s episode (or literal shit show) made me cringe. Ronnie’s aggressive actions on the show post-traumatic stressed me back to boyfriends past. Don’t misunderstand; I am most-definitely not on “Team Sammi”, who is the queen of emotional abuse towards Ronnie. Even the roommates looked frightened as the gruesome twosome got into the mother of all fights. It took all 3 boys to keep Ron and Sam separated and they could barely contain them!

After an all-out war, Sammi decides to exact revenge by dressing up like a total whore-bag and flirts with other dudes in front of Ronnie. Ronnie takes out his anger on Sammi's belongings; breaking and trashing just about everything she took down with her to Seaside heights.

What is dating abuse? Physical abuse is obviously the easiest to determine; hitting, slapping, pushing, kicking, biting, etc. Emotional abuse, however, is quite insidious. Emotional abuse includes blaming, criticizing, name-calling, the ‘silent treatment’, controlling someone’s dress or activities, and degradation. There is also sexual abuse and financial abuse in the "abuse" genre.

The cycle of abuse has been played out very well for us MTV viewers: we see a honeymoon period where everything for this couple is hunky-dorey, then a build-up or escalation of tension ensues, followed by a huge blow-up break-up. After the blow-up, another honeymoon period begins. Every single episode this season has featured this textbook cycle in the Sammi-Ronnie drama.

I wish MTV would do a show featuring abusive and unhealthy relationships. So many young, impressionable teens actually view these people as role-models. I plan to use the Sammi-Ronnie melodrama as part of my 'violence education' unit; it just makes me sick to watch it.

Ah! Look at All the Lonely People!

2011-02-07T20:37:00.001-05:00

Speaking with a good friend recently, he was telling me how not being able to see his long-distance love was hard and how he felt he was suffering with loneliness. He didn't even know I was already working on this blog article about this very topic since it is becoming a common epidemic in our socirty, I feel lonely. Not because I am pineing away over a lover three-hundred miles away and not because I don't have family, friends, or an active social calendar chock full of obligations. I have all of these things and I am almost never alone; yet, I do feel 'lonely'. Sometimes as a single woman in her mid 30's with no children, I feel lost among my peers who are married and parenting. Sometimes I think in my head, "Where do I fit in?" I'm too old to hang with the babies and too out-of-touch to hang with my friends covered in baby vomit.

According to leading researchers, my friend and I share the lonelies with 40 million Americans. These people run the gamut; fronthe lonely masses who pull themselves together day-after-day feeling unwelcomed and unnoticed to those who are physically separated from friends or family. Others are caught in the less obvious and almost illogical loneliness that can exist between two people in love; the kind that marks out the exact limits of intimacy and the deep disappointment that surfaces when you've finally found someone...and still you feel alone. Some people are set upon by the particularly virulent form that occurs when they're sleeping next to somebody who doesn't really want to be there, and they realize how aggressively a person can prohibit closeness, even when he isn't conscious.

Realize that we all get lonely. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. We're particularly prone to loneliness when we're making transitions, especially for the better. If you're changing, such as exploring new alternatives and paths for yourself, you're bound to get a little lonely as you look for people who share your new interests and thoughts.

When feeling lonely, don't allow yourself to wallow in your loneliness. Do something, anything! Take a walk, ride your bike. Explore activities and hobbies, trying new things. Having experience gives you a basis upon which you can comment in more social situations (thus talk to more people) and strike up conversations that will interest other people.

Challenge yourself to take the initiative in social relationships whenever you can. You ask the person if they want to chat, get a coffee, whatever. Remember how much you like it when people are attracted to you. Remember though, that you are trying to make a place for yourself in another person's life. Do not think that just showing up will win you instant friends. It can be a long, painstaking process, and most people you meet already have their own friends and lives. You must always show interest in other people before they will show interest in you, if they ever do.

Remember that we are all alone inside our heads; we are born and die alone; it's nothing special. Every person who has ever lived has been lonely. Love wouldn't exist without loneliness to inspire it. Look at your loneliness with detachment. I like to think of my lonely periods as "empowering solitude"; these times force me to think and make changes and grow. I always say to myself, "grow and adapt or wither and die". What's it going to be?

*The above article is part mine and part composite articles.

It's a Free Country

2011-02-04T16:23:00.002-05:00

From time to time, I feel it necessary to reiterate the purpose of my blog. It started on January 1, 2010: I woke up headachy and snotty because I cried my eyes out on a night that most people are happily getting wasted. It was my first New Years alone in 5 years; I spent the whole night thinking about how my life virtually unraveled. The year before I was talking rings and looking for houses with my ex; and now I was alone. I was alone and ten pounds heavier…and he was with his new girl. And she was pretty. Tears could fall from eyes at this very moment thinking about how low I was; I never experienced grief that leaden.

I decided to write the blog to force myself to live again. As I started writing, people started following me; and then writing me. They said my blog was so raw and I was so honest and I echoed many of their experiences and feelings down to the letter. I was capturing the voice of the newly-single thirty-something trying to start life all over again. My real experiences are what I write about; however, I do protect people’s identities. The last blog I wrote conjured up some drama for me and angered some people who I genuinely like and respect; but after much consideration, I refuse to remove the entry.

Why should I remove it? This person inspired other blogs in my archives on the loss of manners in ‘men’ and how text messaging a woman incessantly is an annoying habit of the modern male. His buddies think I’m wrong to write this or it must mean I have secret feelings of ardent love and jealousy over him. This could not be farther from reality. People that know me, truly know my character as a simple person. What happened was: the subject of my last blog was being a major douche, I got pissed off, and I wrote about it. That’s what I do!

We live in a wonderful country. We are free to make any choices we want; free to listen to hip-hop or reggae. Free to watch Conan or Leno. Free to be friends with Larry or Lucy. If someone does not like what I am about, they are free to not be my friend! If someone does not like what I write for my blog, they are free not to read it! If someone does not like the words that come out of my mouth, they are free to walk away! People should not suggest that I pull down any blog posting because it offends their ‘friend’? Too flippin’ bad is what I have to say, because I am free to write whatever I want! It’s not even that bad, let’s be honest.

I’m not one of those people that will sit behind a keyboard or yell obsenities into someone’s voicemal; I’ll state the same position right to your face with calm, dignity, and grace (without the screaming and vile language). I vent my feelings on a blog; is this 'friend' better than me because he ripped into me privately? Was anything I wrote disrespectful (other than calling him a "douchebag")? It is cowardly to not speak to someone respectfully as an adult if one is hurt by another's intended joke. If anyone disagrees, it's your right since it is a free country.

I am not the introverted hurt woman I was when I started writing this blog over a year ago. I really don’t care what anyone thinks about me; I am faaaaaar from perfect, but I do live a proud little life. I pay my bills, take my vitamins, and say my prayers before I fall asleep at night. It’s a free country, and you’re free not to like me or agree with my actions. However, I own them one-hundred-percent!

I'm over the whole nasty fight that this individual caused; this blog is geared more to the persons who think I am "wrong" to "air private matters" in this forum. You are free to feel this way. I am free to disagree.

In the immortal of the crackhead BobbY Brown:
Everybody's talking all this stuff about me
Now now why don't they just let me live
Oh oh oh i don't need permission
Make my own decisions oh
That's my prerogative

Can't We Just Be Friends?

2011-02-03T14:05:00.001-05:00

Back in november, I went out with a guy that wasn't my usual type, but he seemed nice enough to give him a chance. I was wrong; he was socially ackward (didn't come to the front door to pick me up, sped off and didn't walk me to my door, etc.). I chose to put him in the 'friends zone' because of his lack of manners, his annoying 5000 text messages a day, and there just wasn't any 'spark'. He chose to get psychotic because I told him the truth; that I just wanted to be friends. He blamed my disinterest on a mutual friend that was not involved n my decision; he just can't take responsability for his actions and obviously couldn't handle the truth.

He was on my Facebook and started to friend-request females that he did not know in person. I would get my girlfriends asking, "who is so and so" and then he would comment on their facebook postings, which was a little creepy. I decided to call him out on his Internet creepiness (if you do it, own it!). He is not my only male friend that does this and I make fun of all the others too. He's the only one that got upset over it; the others own their actions and laugh it off with me.

I proceeded to get a nasty email..a nasty voicemail...and a nasty text message. How stupid of a person to leave a threatening voicemail as evidence of their instability since I can replay it for anyone...my friends, his friends, the po-po...just sayin'! I tried to speak rationally to this person, but you can not speak rationally to an irrational individual that uses a facebook friends list as a springboard to dating; can you?

I laugh at the whole incident and this just proves to all my family and friends that say to date people who aren't my normal 'type'; it doesn't work and often ends in ugliness. However, it does make for an entertaining night out laughing over a voice mail where someone repeats the words "F*CK YOU!" at a high decible level..so thanks for that, at least!

I am...

2011-01-27T11:58:00.000-05:00

I am the woman that wears black to the white party.

I am the woman who is a big dork at heart, and not afraid to show it.

I am the woman that is very intelligent and gets annoyed easily by idiots.

I am the woman who has the patience of a saint. If you make me angry, you must have done something really bad.

I am the woman who wants to live life large, not be caged in a little cell by a man.

I am the woman who is old enough to know better, but still makes stupid mistakes anyway.

I am the woman who rather have a fun experience then a gift that will sit in my jewelry box.

I am the woman who never forgets. I have a photographic memory and it's a curse sometimes.

I am the woman who looks like a 'Jersey Shore' castoff and doesn't care if you think I look tacky.

I am the woman who has been unlucky in love due to no fault of my own.

I am the woman who loves God and despite my unshakeable faith, I get frustrated with the slow process of His plan.

I am the woman who loves mindless television because I use my mind all day long.

I am the woman who will do anything for you, even if you don't deserve it.

I am the woman that is happy, but still cries.

I am the woman full of gratitude, but still wants more.

I am the woman who will get her period unexpectedly on the day she has an important event.

I am the woman who will be late to her own funeral, no matter how early I start to get ready.

I am the woman who always sees the good in others, no matter how screwed over I get.

I am the woman that looks like a diva, yet is a down-to-earth bar chick at heart.

I am the woman who has her shit together, no matter what happens to tear it apart.

I am the woman who owns who I am and what I do and if you don't like it, I don't care! :)

The Five Douchebags you Meet in Dating

2011-01-25T15:32:00.001-05:00

There’s a wonderful novel written by Mitch Albom titled, “The Five People You Meet in Heaven”. It recounts the life and death of Eddie, an old maintenance man. After dying in an accident, Eddie finds himself face-to-face with five people that significantly affected his life, whether he realized it at the time or not. John Voight starred in the television version of this tear-jerking book a few years ago.

Maybe I was contemplating the past because I was taken aback when I saw my ex unexpectedly the other day, but this book came into my mind as I drifted off to sleep. I proceeded to dream about a few of my ex’s in the style of the book, except that I was “Eddie”. In true novel fashion, each ex-boyfriend was there to teach me a lesson. This dream felt so real, I shudder to think it could have been a visitation. Anyway, I present to you, “The Five Douchebags You Meet in Dating”. Sorry if the word “douchebag” offends some, but the word is my favorite as of late.

#1: The nice guy you have no feelings for but wish you did: I wrote about my first ex-boyfriend in my last blog. Ronnie was truly one of the nicest people I ever met. He had a lot going for him; he was a star athlete in two sports, very well-liked, respectful, and had a free ride to college because of his athletic prowess. I met him at a teenage dance hall and he was enamoured with me from the second he laid his baby hazels on my high hair and spandex dress. I fell into the relationship (my first relationship) by ‘accident’. I never really liked him liked him. He kind of took me out on dates and kept taking me out on more. I had so much fun with his crew of friends. There was a hot party every weekend and I was with the high school’s top athlete, so my popularity-hungry-teeny-bopper self, did not want to give up the fun. It’s a huge deal for a seventeen-year-old girl to identify herself by others; and I enjoyed the identification as the girlfriend of the popular jock (like a bad high school made-for-tv movie). Things took a serious turn when he was about to give up a full-ride at some university to stay closer to me. I felt horrible because I was just using this poor guy who couldn’t do enough for me. He said something minor and I blew it up into a major argument to have an excuse to break it off with him. Even though I was dead wrong, he came flying to my house with flowers in hand. I slammed the door in his face and watched him cry like a baby all the way to his car. My parents were mad at me, but what could I do? He was going to give up his future for me; it wasn’t about the hot parties anymore. Ronnie went away to school and I never heard from him again. I heard I devastated him; I always felt bad about it…

Lesson learned: Treat others the way you want to be treated because hurting people also hurts you…

#2: The Womanizing-Abusive-Asshole: I met my second boyfriend Dave when I was nineteen-years-old at the beach. He wasn’t my physical type at all because he had South American ancestary which made him a lot darker than me. Dave was very alpha-male and a take-charge kind of man. It was nice having someone think for me when I was out of school because my course-load in college was exceedingly difficult. I didn’t have to decide where to go, what to eat, or what to wear; Dave did it all for me. Eventually it got draining, but I had lost myself in what I thought was caring, when it was really controlling abuse. It got so bad that I started to believe the mean things he said to me. I was 102 pounds at 5’6”, a walking skeleton, and he would tell me I was fat. When I look back at pictures from that time, I see now how beautiful my face was; he told me I was ugly. I got modeling offers; he would get on the phone and reject them for me. He told me I was stupid despite my 3.5 GPA. I would find evidence of cheating and get threatend with physical intimidation for ‘going through his things’ (even though numbers were left in plain sight to hurt me). One day, I woke up with the courage to leave because I was so depressed; I just wanted out, I knew life wasn't meant to be lived this way. It wasn’t easy, but I reclaimed my life and happiness and got back everything he had taken away. I get mad at myself to this day that I allowed someone to steal the light from my eyes.

Lesson learned: Controlling someone is not love; it’s the furthest thing from love. Run, don’t walk away…

#3: The Mimbo: We all have one of these guys in our skeletal closet, don’t we ladies? He’s dumb as a bag of rocks but has abs of steel and a chisled jaw that makes you forget all about his stupidity and junky car. I knew Mimbo for a couple of years, but never thought a man so greek-god like would ever fancy me! Out dancing with some girlfriends, he finally made his move, “You are so beautiful…it intimidates me.” I intimidated him with my beauty? It was flattering and ego-boosting, and after dealing with an unattractive abuser, this was just what I needed. It was fun while it lasted, but I knew it would never go anywhere. He was an exotic dancer that lived to drop e-bombs at Soundfactory. Mimbo spent all his time at the gym working on his guns instead of working towards getting a 'real' job. The last time I saw him, Mimbo knew I what he was; a good-looking distraction for me during a boring work-week. Had to cut him loose...

Lesson learned: Looks are definately not everything...

#4: The on-again, off-again, Lingers on for years guy: I met Kirby on New Year's Eve while I was skiing. It was actually his birthday and we partied until the sun came up in celebration. He resembled Nick Lachey and people at that time used to remark that I looked like Jessica Simpson. The two of us together were a poor-mans 'Newlyweds'. Kirby was a fun guy; he had a way of relating to you like you were the most important person that ever lived. He lived in Rockland and I lived on Long Island, so every weekend we would meet up in the city and hang out. This went on and on and on and on....every weekend for months. No steady committment. Then a year and again, no steady committment. I dropped the ax on him a few times, but he always came crawling back to our dysfunctional relationship. For a long time, I settled. It wasn't everything I wanted, but it was something. It turned out to be not enough for me and I dumped him for good.

Lesson learned: Don't settle for good-enough!

#5 The-one-that-breaks-your-heart-that-you'll-never-forget: Ah...the one that inspired my blog. The one that can still make me cry just by his mere presence, even after all of these years. Sometimes I think this relationship was pay-back because of how I hurt Ronnie back-in-the-day. It has to be more than that, because I don't think the good Lord is all about revenge-plots. I learned a lot. I had no choice but to adapt, lest I be swallowed up and consumed by self-pity. I still haven't completely figured out the purpose of having this heart shattered.

Lesson learned: Having to overcome terrible pain helps you to empathize with others and help people with their pain.

I probably could write a novel based on the men I have been on dates with in my lifetime; The Frat Boy, the professional athlete, the metrosexual...the list goes on. Maybe like Eddie, I won't learn the significance of all of these people in my life until I pass over into another realm. In the meantime, I'll have fun dating more 'mistakes' and maybe I'll get lucky and find 'the one'.

Sacked at the 10-Yard Line

2011-01-24T19:07:00.000-05:00

Things have been going pretty darn amazing as of late; money in the bank, skank wear fitting nicely, boys hitting up the cell, trips booked, fun being had, mayhem being caused...so who can sack my team's quarterback on the 10 yard-line with the winning touchdown in sight, with 4 seconds left on the clock? If you answered my ex, you'd be correct!

I've come leaps and bounds in this game of 'my life'. I decided a long time ago that I was going to live well and make my own happily ever after. I've been getting off the bench out of my comfort zone and playing life hard in order to win. In an effort to be socially healthy and get out on an otherwise uneventful sunday, my friends and I have been going to local sports bars to enjoy a day off from the diet with some bbq, some booze, and boys (we watch the football game too). My PIC (partner-in-crime) Dena and I decided to hit up a sports bar around the corner from us yesterday to take in the Jets massacre.

As is usual for my teeny, squirrel-sized bladder, I had to pee as soon as I walked in the place. I was walking up the stairs to the bar after creating some space for a new cocktail to fill, when the words, "Why am I getting the feeling I am going to see someone I don't want to see today?" came out of my mouth. Within 20 seconds, my question became a profetic statement because there he was; the ex sitting in a 'Sanchez' jersey watching the game. I caught a glimpse of that flippy nose, spiky hair-ed heartbreaker and looked up to the heavens, and asked "Really?", in my best "16-year-old-snotty-girl-who-didn't-get-the-right-color-convertible-for-her-birthday" voice. My PIC thought I was talking to her; I had to point out I was talking to the gods above for smiteing me with an unexpected ex-sighting.

It's been a long time since we broke up; I don't sit and pine after him (in retrospect I feel lucky that his madness is no longer my problem). I would be a liar if I didn't say there wasn't a lot I still miss and maybe when I start dating someone I really like, these feelings will go away. Maybe not. Maybe everyone has that one ex that horribly broke their heart and from time-to-time that pain will come rushing back in an awful tidal wave of regret. Maybe this is my bad karma coming back to roost. I did break my high-school boyfriend's heart. Poor Ronnie; I was more into his all-county football star and all-state wrestling personas and all the fun weekend parties then I was into him as a person. The day I ended it, he came to my house with flowers which I made him take with him. I was mean, but he wasn't getting the hint and he was about to give up a scholarship to stay home and be closer to me. I wanted him to go far away so I could enjoy being young and in college. I wanted him to meet someone that would care for him, because no matter how I tried, I just didn't feel those special feelings. Maybe I'm paying back some karmic debt for how I hurt poor Ronnie. Maybe I'm not. Maybe I feel so crumby today, it doesn't make much of a difference. I just don't want to hurt anymore.

Yes, this man hurt me like no other person ever did. I feel like I'm owed something majorly awesome-ly terrific from the universe from all of the suffering I survived getting 'over' him. Maybe I'll never be completely 'over' him, even after the betrayals and hurt. I don't want him in my life; I wan't the person who will make me happy. This is new for me; no one had ever had the power in their mere presence to make me melancholy.

I don't know if he even saw me, because when I realized I was next to him, I ran to the other side of the bar. A cocktail was downed to steady the nerves and I tried to focus on the football game. In the back of my mind, I knew he was there and knew he knew I was there, he probably wouldn't have even cared. My mind told me to 'suck it up' and enjoy your time with your hot wings and the other 500 men around you that might actually piss on you if you were on fire.

Of all the hundreds of sports bars in New York, he had to walk into mine. Really?

I'm a little down because my team gave up that winning touchdown.

Red Flags in Dating Behavior

2011-01-21T10:30:00.000-05:00

Too many women are misled by the romantic myth that men are "diamonds in the rough" and we are supposed to "help" them become better men, often by sacrificing our own needs. We are socialized to believe that if we help them, take care of them, give up our own needs for theirs, they will "take care" of us. BLEAH. Of course, men are just as vulnerable- they often marry women they barely know, feeling that they have to be "mature" and "grown up" and then end up miserable because they're stuck with someone they have nothing in common with. Or they play "rescuer" and take up with women who are little, fragile dolls who need to be 'taken care of' and they say things like "She needs me, she's so fragile. She's like a little wounded deer."

Barf.

The sad thing is, that the men/women who CAN change, do it on their own. OUTSIDE of a relationship. They take time off from relationships, and work on their relationship with themselves. The can demonstrate REAL work and real change, rather than platitudes. The men/women who go from relationship to relationship, (often leaving one partner for another) are NOT going to get past their issues. And the sad thing is that far too many men, despite their loud and protesting denials, really just want another mother. As one very wise woman put it, "Unfortunately, most men never left the tit."

Some people, however, are worse than others, I have created a "Red Flag List" - things to watch out for, and turn and walk (quickly) away from - no matter HOW deeply involved you are in the relationship.

As the mother of this healthy woman once said,

"A man is who he is by his 16th birthday. Don't enter a relationship expecting him to change, because he won't, even if it is better for him and he knows it. And if he DOES seem to change, he'll only revert back the moment you let up, and he'll only resent you the whole time you are trying to get him to change. It's not worth it."
Through some personal experience and in talking to many other women, we have compiled a list of things to watch for. This list can apply equally to women as well as men. If the person you are with does any ONE thing on this list, put on your running shoes. If they do TWO or more things, lace those shoes up tight, and start RUNNING.

Abusive & Controlling:-Give and take, tempered by some compromise here and there, indicates that a relationship is healthy. However, if one of the persons involved wants everything on his/her terms, then serious problems can arise. Furthermore, there are those who will become verbally, emotionally, or physically abusive if they do not get their
way.

Argumentative & Irritating:-Some people are just contrary. They will question much of what you say to them, put their own twist on it, or challenge your every thought. Basically, they are full of themselves and feel that their opinion is the only one that counts. Is this something that you want to live with for the rest of your life?

Baggage & History: -Someone who has been previously married may be still be seriously affected by unresloved issues (old baggage). Also, one's past, parents, and previous relationships can negatively impact how they relate to others.

Conservative & Liberal:-Does his/her religious views place any uncomfortable limitations on a relationship? Is their approach to the things of life too conservative for you? On the other hand, does he/she hold liberal views that are just too far to the left for you to be able to tolerate? Whoever said that politics and religion should not be discussed amongst couples may have set a lot of people up for eventual failure in their primary relationships.

Educated & Intelligent:-Is it really snobbish to want someone who is able to intelligently articulate their views in a discussion or comprehend abstract thinking? Although, it is entirely possible that a person with a doctorate degree can deeply love an individual who never graduated from high school, one should consider what they are willing to live with in this regard.

Inattention & Disinterest:-People who truly love each other want to be with each other as much as possible. If your boy/girlfriend has one excuse after another as to why they are not available to you, then you might look elsewhere. Either they are not really interested in you or you simply need more attention. You can't make someone want to be with you. It has to come naturally and be obvious.

Men & Philandering:-There are indeed men who have made the mistake of cheating on their on their girlfriends/ex-wives and would never do it again. However, there are those (women included) who never learn their lesson, resulting in an ongoing promiscuous behavior.

Money & Debt:-Those who will not consider dating a person due to the other person being only moderately stable are called "golddiggers." Conversely, if the other person is unemployed, deeply in debt, in the middle of bankruptcy, or uses illegal means to make a living, you might seriously consider whether living on love will truly be enough.

Passive & Submissive:-You might want someone who is easy going, agreeable, and amiable. However, if a person is simply too passive, has no real mind of their own, and gives into everything you say and want, they might be very sweet or just absolutely mindless.

Secretive & Tight Lipped:-If, afer a few dates, he doesn't want to show you his home, it might be because his wife lives there with the six children. If she refuses to talk about her past, then you might want to determine if this is a way of avoiding having to explain why she was in prison for all those years.

Sex & Timing:-If your date wants to jump into bed with you during your first time out together, you just might ask yourself the question, "If he/she wants to have sex with me this quick, how many others have there been and how many more will there be?"
On the other hand, if he/she does not want to be touched even though you have dated exclusively for several months, you just might ask if physical intimacy will ever be a consideration.

Unavailable & Too Busy:-Trying to develop a meaningful relationship with someone who is too self-absorbed or overly involved with their businesses or personal interests will result in lonliness. On the other hand, you might have a "player" on your hands who has developed the ability to have more than one relationship without the others being aware.

Women & Kids:-The key word here is "balance." A woman who commits most of her time to you and neglects the children is one extreme. If she only pencils you in for a few hours here and there because she feels a greater responsiblity to her child(ren), then that would be the other extreme. However, if she has found a way of balancing the two and wants to include you in the time she spends with her children, you could very well have a good situation regarding children.
There is also the issue regarding undisciplined children or those situations where it is made clear to you that you will have either little or no say in correcting misbehavior.

"Many people today are passive commitment-phobic. They date the wrong person at the outset, thereby sabotaging the relationship before it even begins. When it comes to choosing a spouse, attraction and compatibility are, of course, vital. But nothing is more important than good character." –Reverend Schmuley on the ‘Oprah Winfrey Show’.

-Note: This article is a composite of several articles found on the web that I found interesting and thought my readers would also find interesting. Enjoy :)

The Cheese Touch

2011-01-17T11:29:00.000-05:00

My nieces force me to watch all sorts of kiddie movies, but, one I really enjoyed is called "Diary of a Wimpy Kid". The whole concept of "The Cheese Touch" had me rolling and also had me thinking (always a dangerous thing) about people I know who have this dreaded 'cheese touch'. There are plenty of attractive single men that I wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole because I know them too long. I have seen their 'exploits'and 'conquests'; therefore, they have become part of the untouchable caste in my mind. They have the dreaded 'cheese touch' (or maybe we should call it the 'cheesey touch' from all of their cheesey exes). I have been around awhile and have gained some sort of Long Island noteriaty due to my penchant for nightlife and muscular men. Do I have the 'cheese touch' too?

Let me explain 'The Cheese Touch': In the film, Greg Heffley receives a diary from his mother, which he refers to as a "journal"and not a diary so he won't get bullied at middle school. He records in it through the course of his first year of middle school.

The movie begins with Greg explaining "The Cheese Touch." It's basically a more amusing version of 'The Cooties.' A student named Darren Walsh touched "the Cheese" (an old, moldy piece of cheese on the schoolyard) with his finger, and is "contaminated" by it, thus creating the 'Cheese Touch'. 'The Cheese Touch' is then passed around the school, and eventually ends up with a student named Abe Hall, who moves to California, taking the Cheese Touch with him. No one dares go near this cheese or else they too will be contaminated (even the school janitor leaves it alone).

My dating life really is a "who's who" of intimidation including professional athletes, huge meatheads, druggy losers, and notorious bad boys. Needless to say, I made some poor decisions in my personal affairs (but I had a whole lotta fun haha). Now I'm older and wiser and rather stay home and watch "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" instead of wasting make-up on some fun loser. But, if I am so unforgiving and judgemental about some of the guys I know-are people that unforgiving and judgemental of me and my 'mistakes'? Did I touch the cheese one too many times and have a raging case of cooties?

My guy friends assure me that my 'hotness' (this is what they said-I'm not conceited!) wipes out my cheese-touching and I should just get over myself and stop judgeing them on their cheese touching. Maybe it's my OCD, but I just can't do it! I think it might be less about cheese-touching and more about 'chemistry'. I either have the hots for you or I don't; I know myself well-enough that I don't build chemistry with someone, it has to be there from the start.

If someone has marked with 'The Cheese Touch', then oh well! The good thing about getting older is that you just don't give a shit what anybody thinks of you anymore. At least I learned from the mistakes of my past; when I see a moldy piece of 'cheese', I leave it alone now.

1111

2011-01-12T19:58:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year to you all! Boy, did I have an outrageously great New Year's weekend! Determined not to do the usual miserable Long Island club or lame-ass house party, my girlfriend Dena and I embarked on an Atlantic City weekend. Dena and I are very similar; no drama and all fun, all the time! We make a good combination when we travel, as we could both have a great time in a paper bag. I packed up the truck, picked up my bff, and we were on our way!

The desk boys were in love with us from the moment we pulled into the hotel. Our friendships with them became quite useful as they could not do enough for us just for the opportunity to chat us up; bringing us food, drinks, and getting us free taxis and comps for the clubs. Dena and I proceeded to pregame in the hotel room (red bulls and vodkas), as we applied our false lashes, fake tans, and hair extensions. Once sufficiently coiffed, we made our way out to the pool party at Harrah's casino. Now, I'll admit, the men were a little on the young side, but we managed to have a teriffic time despite the fact that we had to ID our admirers. We rang in the new year in the potty, where Dena and I have our best conversations. Last year, the two of us had an awful time dealing with our douchebag ex-boyfriends and all of their bullshit drama. This year, we are lean, mean, and ready to live life large!

Saturday brought the beautiful date of 1/1/11 and Dena's birthday. After a lengthy slumber, we decided to get dolled up and hit the Borgata casino. We walked in and turned many heads and had many girlfriends slap their boys back into submission. The energy was electric and I needed to gamble! On the way to the casino, I regaled Dena with the fact that I am an extremely lucky gambler. I usually hit something and I hit big! The last two times down to AC, I got killed by the dealers. This time down, I knew I was due to hit a major hand. I sat down with a table full of fun juiceheads to play "Let It Ride". Five hands in, I hit the biggest hand I had ever hit in my life: Four of a kind! Four tens (four ones-just like the date)!!! Let's just say I made thousands off that hit and I gave everyone at the table some cash for luck.

I'm very into 'angel numbers' and the number combination of "1111" is the ultimate angel message of: "The answers to your prayers are on the way!". I truly believe that as I am having an unbelievable 2011 so far! Everything is falling into place! I have been so faithful and waiting for the negativity to disappear from my life. It is written in the Bible, that if you hold on during the tough times and keep believing in God, that He will bless you with double for the trouble and strife you have survived. I have been wondering, 'when will it be my time'? It seems like my time is now and I am loving every minute of it and I am so grateful. Money is coming to me left and right, my friendships are true, fun experiences are all around me, and I feel great about who I am. I am so filled with optimisim for 2011; the past is behind me and great people and opportunites are all around me.

More Atlantic City trips, trips to LA, Vegas, and Miami, the Ultimate Fighting Championship, a few dates with a long-lost love...Stay tuned :)

Closing In

2010-12-28T11:47:00.000-05:00

The end of a year automatically makes one reflect and think back to where they were last year at the same time. It was my first holiday season 'alone' in 5 years. My ex and I 'almost' reconciled, however, as was the pattern for the whole relationship, I was left disappointed again. I had the choice to go to a New Years Eve party or wallow in my own sadness; like a fool, I decided on the latter.

I spent New Years Eve mourning the losses I had endured in 2009; my relationship, my new home, my hopes and dreams of the future. I cried through a box of tissues and then some. My nose started to flake from the chapping effect of a box of tissues blowing against it. Midnight came and I looked at my phone; some texts came in from friends. None were from the "ex"; he was busy celebrating the New Year with his new girl a week after he got my hopes up for the umpteenth time. Something had to change...

I woke up snotty, headachy, and swollen with an idea to start this blog. It was like paying Freud himself for psychoanalysis, as it proved to be so healing and therapeutic. I finally gave people a window into who the real "me" was; raw and uncut, behind all the makeup and hair extensions. I shared my manic-depressive struggles through rebuilding my independant self; reclaming social support and living for me for the first time ever!

It was not an easy year; as rewarding as it turned out to be, it was downright agonizingly painful! I still soaked pillows with my tears, spent nights at home praying to God for answers, and thought too many thoughts of self-pity. All the pain led to this place I am at now; it took a long time, but I am finally here. I sit here today typing away, filled with optimism. I have a light inside my heart and a thought inside my head that keeps telling me, "The best is yet to come!". What's more is I actually BELIEVE the best is right around the corner, ready to meet me any minute!

I no longer care to see Karma work its powers on those that hurt me; I am too busy waiting for more blessings to fill up my life!

Who Do You Think You Are?

2010-12-20T18:45:00.000-05:00

Once in a while, I hear a song that I could have written. This is one of those songs...

No I can’t take one more step towards you

Cause all that’s waiting is regret

And don’t you know I’m not your ghost anymore

You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive

And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are

Running around leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

And tearing love apart

You’re gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

So don’t come back for me

Who do you think you are

I hear your asking all around

If I am anywhere to be found

But I have grown too strong

To ever fall back in your arms

I learned to live half alive

And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are

Running around leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

And tearing love apart

You’re gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

So don’t come back for me

Who do you think you are

And it took so long just to feel alright

Remember how to put back the light in my eyes

I wish I would have missed the first time that we kissed

Cause you broke all your promises

And now your back

You don’t get to get me back

And who do you think you are

Running around leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

And tearing love apart

You’re gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

Don’t come back for me

Don’t come back at all

And who do you think you are

Running around leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

And tearing love apart

You’re gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

Don’t come back for me

Don’t come back at all

Who do you think you are

Who do you think you are

My Year In Status

2010-12-16T21:40:00.000-05:00

Found a great little app that takes all my Facebook statuses (satus-i?) throughout the year, to give you a pretty entertaining view of your Facebook life in 2010. Here's mine:

Everyday is a learning experience...

Can you grow marijuana on Farmville and sell it on Mafia Wars?

Don't take life too seriously...you'll never get out alive

Who doesn't love spaghetti and meatballs?

Not you, fat Jesus!

Going to the gym...sitting down today is just not an option...

The happiest people don't have the best of everything...they just make the best of everything...care deeply, love deeply, and leave your worries to God!

God Bless Roger Ebert...hope all my friends that smoke watched Oprah today!

Have I ever lied to get out of a date? YES! LMAO!

Public Service Announcement: Orange tans with hot pink lipstick does not look good!

How much is a lobotmy these days?

How awesome is my grandpa? His proctologist is Greek, so based on this, he told the doc he was in the right profession!

If some Octopus-hands doucher puts his hands on my goodies, he will get a drink thrown in his face! Just Sayin'...

The Dirty Stay Out Summer has officially begun!!!

Fight of the year-Octopus hands versus Me!

Go Elin!!! SUCK IT TIGER!!!

DO NOT TEXT OR BBM ME RANDOM SHIT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT...MY WRATH WILL BE TERRIBLE!

Saw a "man" wearing red capris with matching boat shoes...the apocalypse is upon us...

Why don't we have a Benjamin Franklin Day? Electricity Rocks!

The eyes are the nipples of the face so glam them up!!!

Let the temptation lead us...

Lost all my money in AC...I'm so poor, I can't even afford to pay attention...

Dear Karma: Remember all the good things I did for people? Now would be a great time to get some of that back. Thanx!

Karma is a bigger bitch then I can ever be :)

I did my part to save the country...I voted REPUBLICAN!

Sweatin like a hooker in church-me no like-y this heat!

Vodka: It's whats for dinner

Feel like I got run over by a Vodka truck...

Think it's about time I get a husband...or maybe I'll get a puppy instead...thoughts???

Too Cool 4 U

2010-12-16T18:24:00.003-05:00

So, what do you do when a ‘woman’ you were friends with a long time ago and haven’t seen in 6 years acts like a psychopath and accuses you of writing a fake blog? Well if you’re me, you blog about it, of course! Here’s the dish…

If you live in my neck of the woods, you’ve been buzzing about the fact that we have an apparent serial killer on the loose. Bodies of four murdered females were found within miles of my house. Scary shit, right? Right! I put as a tastelessly humorous (and unfortunately accurate) Facebook status, “As if dating weren’t hard enough, there’s a serial killer loose in my town!” The psychiatric profile of a typical serial killer is an attractive, intelligent white male in his 30’s-40’s. Sounds like a catch (besides the killing part). Anyway, this stupid ass of a woman decides to get all mentally unstable saying that I don’t live in the town where these bodies were found. Not to get all technical, but I live in a hamlet 3 miles north of the beach where these poor girls were dumped. But that’s not even the point! Who the hell is she? The Facebook Status Update police? It goes back and forth a while….here see for yourself (*names have been changed to protect the innocent):

My Facebook Status: As if dating weren't hard enough, now there's a serial killer dumping bodies in my town! Effing great!!!

PSYCHO CHICK WITH ISSUES: West Babylon? Uh, weren't they found along Ocean Pkwy by Gilgo Beach?

THE LOVELINESS THAT IS ME: Babylon is my town...hello? I'll buy you an atlas for Christmas lol Just to clarify, West Babylon is a Hamlet in the Town of Babylon.

PSYCHO CHICK WITH ISSUES: Wow- I never knew I could tell people my town is Babylon when I live in Deer Park. I guess I'll just do that now. And no thanks, I don't need an atlas.

THE LOVELINESS THAT IS ME: Dude-really? You're fighting on facebook over semantics--it's like winning the special Olympics-no matter who wins, you're still retarded....Wanna hug? Geeze! (FYI: She used that phrase with me several times, so it was my opportunity to use it back--nothing against the Special Olympics or people with special needs).

PSYCHO CHICK WITH ISSUES: Who says I was fighting? I'm simply tryin to clear a fact up.

Now-this story started months ago, again on Facebook. I was thinking of getting a summer share in Fire Island and musing about it aloud and she replied, "Instead of getting a Fire Island share, why don't you grow up?" Again-who the hell does she think she is? I am grown in all the right places baby (get your heads out of the gutter); I meant my head and my heart! This woman got fired recently and I tried to offer her an encouraging, supportive word and she was nasty to me yet again. This latest Facebook exchange was my last straw.

I wish I could tell you that this story ended here...but it doesn't . This chick went thru my entire blog (100 plus blog articles!!!) and picked out the four instances where I reprinted articles from other authors (with permission, mind you!!!). Oh-she missed one; the beginning of "Shit Happens" is from Wikepedia about the history of the slang phrase. She took all my articles and apparently "googled" them to arrive at the unbelievably radical conclusion that I reprinted 4 articles that I liked!!! Wowww...hello psychotic chick with issues! She could have constructively spent her time doing bills or washing the dishes instead of wasting her time googling my blog postings. That's a whole lotta scary!!!

She proceeded to email me about how my blog is fake and that I am a fraud! I wish I could tell you that I am; alas, I am not a fraud. 99.5% of my postings are original because my blog is about my life and my musings on what I observe out there in my world. I wish to the high heavens that I never lived the heartbreak and trials I went through this year, but I did. If anything, my blog is nothing but too honest! I bare my soul in the written word! Do I get inspired by other people's writings? Sure! Who doesn't? And once in a while, I will repost something I get sent to me (4 times, 5 if you count the Wikepedia introduction) that I really like, admire, and respect.

I deleted and blocked this person from Facebook and my blog, not because I am afraid of being "outed" as she claims. It's because I am afraid of her mental instability and I do not want her negative energy anywhere in or near me or my world. Do you think I would want to share my life through my heartfelt writing with the likes of that individual? Not bloody likely, Darling!

Her emails were quite entertaining; I was cursed at, berated, warned about karma and it's ability to be a 'bitch' and she even called me "Danielle Staub" from the New Jersey Housewives show (that had me literally rolling on the floor laughing). If only I had Danielle Staub's long legs! But seriously, I wish this person well because she really needs it. And to quote another Housewife, Bethanny Frankel, "GET A HOBBY!" Years ago this particular woman said she thought I was "too cool" to hang out with her....you know what? She was wrong. I'm not 'too cool', I'm too nice!

Grenade

2010-12-16T17:38:00.000-05:00

Easy come, Easy go

That's just how you live oh

Take, take, take it all

But you never give

Should have known

You was trouble

From the first kiss

Had your eyes wide open

Why were they open?

Gave you all I had

And you tossed it in the trash,

Tossed it in the trash you did

To give me all your love

Is all I ever asked

But you don't understand

I'd catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)

Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)

I'd jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)

You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah) Oh, oh

I would go through all this pain,

Take a bullet straight through my brain,

Yes, I would die for ya baby

But you won't do the same

No, no, no, no

Black, black, black and blue

Beat me till I'm numb

Tell the devil I said "hey" when you get back to where you're from

Mad woman, bad woman,

That's just what you are, yeah,

You'll smile in my face then

Rip the breaks out my car

Gave you all I had

And you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, yes you did

To give me all your love

Is all I ever asked

Cause what you don't understand is

I'd catch a grenade for ya

If my body was on fire, ooh

You' d watch me burn down in flames

You said you loved me you're a liar

Cause you never, ever, ever did baby...

The Year in Pictures

2010-12-15T13:39:00.001-05:00

If you find yourself in the photos below, thank you for being a part of my life and a part of this interesting year. I love you all!!!

Shit Happens

2010-12-14T22:52:00.000-05:00

"Shit happens" is a common slang phrase, used as a simple existential observation that life is full of imperfections, either "'Así es la vida" or "C'est la vie". The phrase is an acknowledgment that bad things happen to people for no particular reason. There are minced oath forms, such as "stuff happens" or "it happens".

The origin or earliest use of the phrase is uncertain. In a review of a book of quotations, The New Yorker critic Louis Menand observed that it was "extremely interesting to know, for instance, that the phrase 'Shit happens' was introduced to print by one Connie Eble, in a publication identified as UNC–CH Slang (presumably the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill), in 1983.

A fictitious explanation of the origin of this phrase occurs in the 1994 movie Forrest Gump. During his capricious run, a bumper sticker salesman running alongside him points out to Forrest that he has just stepped in a pile of dog feces. When Forrest replies, "It happens," the man replies, "What, shit?", to which Forrest replies, "Sometimes". The man is then inspired to create the "Shit Happens" bumper sticker.

Though this phrase is a popular slogan for bumper stickers throughout the United States, the state of Georgia tried to prohibit it. However, the Supreme Court of Georgia ruled that a state law prohibiting lewd or profane stickers and decals on vehicles was unconstitutional. In 1988, a Virginia man was charged with obscenity for displaying a bumper sticker with the phrase; the charge was later dropped.

So, now that we have all extensively educated ourselves on the phrase "Shit Happens", how does it apply to me? Well, it's December; I have three weeks left to attain all of my goals in my lofty undertaking: to get a life. I will find time to reflect and write an 'end of the year' piece while I am celebrating the New Year gambling, drinking an enormous amount of alcohol, viewing the UFC, and feeling tan muscles at the club (hmmm-maybe I have gotten a life this year!). This blog is a review of the shit that has happened that spurred the journey...so here goes...

Boy meets girl. Boy claims to love girl. Girl loves boy with all her heart and then some. They live together for quite sometime. Boy acts like a douche lord. Girl is forced to move out and back home to regroup; she realizes she has the best, most loving family in the world. Girl is depressed. Girl is so depressed they need to invent another word for 'depressed'. Girl gets an idea on New Years Day to start a blog and reclaim the fun, independant life she once knew. She is a role-model for her two young nieces and vows to take back her life. The blog catches on and catches some magazine editors attentions. Girl gets offers to submit writing to magazines; girl gets lots of rejections but has a fun time with it anyway. Diet started; girl is hungry. Hair gets dyed brown to reinvent herself; hair gets dyed back to blonde a month later. Invites to go to parties and meet new people start to pour in. Girl comes to find out she is a master at the drinking game "Flip Cup"; like Olympic-caliber good at it. Girl forces herself to go on a few dates; surprisingly has fun and meets someone she really likes. Ex read blogs about new guy and goes ballistic. Cries, begs, pleads for girl to come back to him. Girl really has changed because despite her love for boy, she says 'no'. The next day according to a facebook boy is "in a relationship" with 'S****** *z**". Devasation, betrayal, and heart ache all over again. Still crying. Dumps new guy because she's 'not ready'. Loses 10 pounds due to inability to eat. Inability to eat caused by sadness. Sadness caused by ex. Ex is still a douche lord. Girl regroups again. Meets up with a group of old pals and reconnects, making friends old and new. Girl has many fun experiences; she sits 4th row at UFC, she travels, she drinks Grey Goose at many VIP tables at many exclusive NYC nightclubs, she meets a few more boys who are fun, albeit worthless. Girl amasses a few stalkers just by the simple act of getting coffee. Dunkin Donuts stalker is the scariest as he asked girl out 72 times. Creepy. Job opportunities abound; becomes propreiter of nightlife staffing service. Decides after a summer of work to give it up and focus on writing political humor and makes side cash at the occasional bartending gig. Still dieting. Girl runs into ex in the summer. Ex cries because the sight of girl makes 'all the feelings of love rush back'. Ex turns out to be full of shit--again. Girl gets hit on the head with a ton of bricks, but lesson finally learned. Girl puts nail in that coffin and moves on. Still dieting to remove extra pounds gained drinking to excess at all those VIP tables in exclusive nightclubs. Birthday comes and girl meets interesting boy who is handsome and republican. They date a while, but girl decides he isn't 'the one' she is suppossed to be with. So girl dumps boy and boy turns into a psycho douche lord. Girl isn't surprised. Everyone tells girl she lost weight and looks great. Girl is happy she can fit into her jeans. Girl is also happy that the republicans won the midterm elections. More new experiences abound; girl tries spicy tuna sushi and loves it, girl goes speed dating (horrific men but fun), girl can afford designer clothes thanks to saving money on rent by living at home.
Girl has attained most of her goals:
Ten pounds gone.
Help people? Each and every day!
Get out more? Yup!
Take a picture everyday-no.
Find love again? Well...not exactly romantic love; but I fell in love with my family again. I realized how much they love me by the support they showed me through this, a very rough, rebuilding year.

So there was good. There was bad. There was excting. There was boring. There was laughter. There were tears.
Shit happens!

Stupid Questions

2010-12-12T19:49:00.000-05:00

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?

2. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?

3. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say

"hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?

4. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

5. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

6. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries

have a use by date?

7. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

8. What do people in China call their good plates?

9. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

10. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.

11. What do you call male ballerinas?

13. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?

14. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?

15. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

16. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

17. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?

18. Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe,

you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

19. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?

20. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?

21.Why is an alarm clock going "off" when it actually turns on?

22.Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

23.Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you plug things into it? Shouldn't it be called an inlet.

24.Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed" if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?

25.Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty is an egg?

26.If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

27.Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants?

28.How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

29.If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

30.What color would a smurf turn if you choked it?

Help! I'm Being Mentally Attacked!

2010-12-12T19:37:00.000-05:00

This week I have had two dreams guest starring someone I don't wan't to see or hear in my waking life, much less invading my dream space! Both dreams felt like visitatons from this person because our convos were much like those we've had in the past; they go around in circles and end up in me feeling hurt. I confided in my mother about the dreams I had starring (let me think of an appropriate nickname in my gentle way) King DoucheLord. I even confessed to having been upset by the dreams.  My mom could not believe it because she also was thinking of this person! Why would my mother and I both think of him in the same week?

I was spending some free time quietly reading a book as I often like to do; and there was a whole chapter on a concept called "Psychic Attacks". The chapter spoke volumes to me about what my mother and I had experienced in thinking about the Douche King. So what the hell is a psychic attack you ask? Well-here is an explanation:

A psychic attack is Psychic attack is anything that interferes with and invades your subtle energy field. Everything and everyone emits energy. Someone may be thinking of you and can send you a 'psychic bullet' (to borrow a term from medium John Edward). Since everyone emits energy, it is possible that we can pick up those energetic bullets. So, in short, King DoucheLord was thinking about me and my family and I was picking up on this energetically.

Do I believe 100% in this New Age-y kind of stuff? Not 100% , but, I am open to the possibility this can exist. It has been scientifically proven that everything carries an energy and emits an energy field.  It's not really an "out-there" concept considering the popularity of metaphysical books like "The Secret". Have you ever been in a place or with people that seem to drain you and sap your strength? I have, as well. This is why I am open to this concept of "psychic attacks".  What can you do to protect yourself against such an attack?

There are all sorts of interesting ways to protect yourself if you choose to puruse the Internet. I like to keep it simple, however. I don't need to burn sage or other herbs to smudge out the negativity (it would make me feel a little 'witchy' and I'm down with the one-and-only Jesus). And while I find some crystals to be pretty to look at or to wear, they don't always match my outfit. The way I deal with this energetic possibility is through prayer; I just ask God to watch over me with His divine love and protection. I think that will do just fine since King DoucheLord has stayed out of my dream space. Now, if I could only get the six numbers I've been asking for...

Not So Nicey-Nice

2010-12-12T19:21:00.000-05:00

I am all about the love and light these days; however, I'm only human. I wrote this back in October. It's not as nicey-nice as many of my other blogs. It's just me keeping it real. So here we go...

To all the people out there that tried to crush my heart, fracture my spirit, and shred my soul; this blog is dedicated to you.

I know to avoid the pain of living and to escape a past full of mistreatment, you developed defense mechanisms. Building a wall around yourself to insulate you from pain is pointless; it is impossible to truly live in this world without getting hurt. You are dead; you are an empty shell because you don’t allow yourself to feel. You don’t allow others to get close to you. What you haven’t realized is that when you wall others out, you wall yourself in.

You are handicapped; you live in fear. With fear, there can never be trust or love; they can not co-exist in a relationship of any kind. I empathize with you; you have experienced hardship which has left scars upon your heart. You have learned that love comes with conditions, which is why you treated me so harshly and unkind.

You do not believe that you are loveable and valuable, so why would trust someone that claims to love you? The blemished heart you posses longs to love, longs to trust, but is helpless. People who have no capacity to trust are constantly suspicious of people’s motives (like you were with me). Even when I told you that I loved you, you were waiting for the other shoe to drop; waiting for me to hurt you, disappoint you, fail you, and abuse you. The thoughts in your mind were, “she must be after something if she claims to love me.” Why couldn’t you believe I wanted you for you? Why did there have to be another reason?

You can not receive love because you believe deep-down that you are unloveable, so that’s how you behaved. You need a fresh fix of constant ego-stroking to prove your value and help you feel good about yourself. In true narcissitic form, the supply was more important than the feelings of the people from which you received that reinforcement. You continue to hurt and manipulate; you behave so selfishlessly in your so-called 'life'.

You had to have your way with everything. As long as I relented and went along with the plan, you felt good about yourself. You placed impossible demands on me; you frustrated me to exhaustion. You were never satisfied with what I tirelessly gave; the focus was all on you! Everyone likes recognition, but for you it’s as necessary as oxygen and water.

Please find a better way of treating people today and in the future you build. You have not broken me; only made me better. Thank you for putting me through the pain and forcing me to take an introspective look into my heart and soul. You strengthened me and prepared me for the full rich life I live today and the greatness that is yet to come in my future. Thank you for the challenges and creating new potentialities for me to explore and conquer. You were the lesson I learned. A new person was created and I have broken through to the other side! I am finally free!!!

Whose Responsible for your Shitty Life? You Are!

2010-12-07T19:04:00.000-05:00

Responsibility : the quality or state of being responsible: as a : moral, legal, or mental accountability.

When our lot in life leaves much to be desired, we have a choice to make:

Choice #1: Be a victim and sink deeper into an endless chain of negativity or Choice #2: Turn the struggle into an opportunity to manifest the best possible life. I hope we all find Choice #2 infinitely a more appealing option. Nothing great comes without struggle as proven by all the greats throughout history.; Think of all the wonderful human beings who only became great after experiencing strife and hardship. I know it's easier to write this than to live this, but, I like to wake up knowing today could be the day it all turns around for my benefit.

It's so easy to get sucked into the 'poor me' mentality. Many of us are full of woe and self-pity and grow weary carrying the burdens of our past. When we feel the lowest is when we absolutely must take responsibility that we created this life we are exisiting in today. We have all unconsciously created the opportunites and experiences in our lives. We attracted the people who came into our lives that affected us, both positive and negative. Think about it: you're having a bad day and are upset. Your state of mind causes physical changes to take place in your body; you release stress hormones and your muscles are tight. People are more likely to react to your in a negative way because of the energy you are giving off unconsciously; even your gait screams negativity to the world. By the end of the day, a chain of negative events has followed you; therefore, you unconsciouly created the "I had the shittiest day" experience. No one in their right mind wants to attract bad people, places, or things; yet, we do it anyway.

The good news is that once we take responsibility for the 'raw deal' we've been given, we can totally change it! Just like we can attract the bad, we can just as easily attract the good! It does take practice and the constant 'thought-monitoring' required is exhausting. However, just like a third-grader learning to play the piano, the noise will gradually turn into music with practice. Thinking positive thoughts, practicing affirmations, and expressing gratitude will become as easy as magnifying problems, constant complaining, and spreading gossip.

So like an alcoholic must acknowledge the problem before healing begins; we too must take responsibility for the life we have created. If we are unsatisfied and fulfillment never feels within reach, change it!

The Last Single Girl in the World

2010-11-30T18:14:00.001-05:00

The Last Single Girl.

That’s what Carrie Bradshaw titled her article for Vogue; A tribute to her exhaustive love life. Everything in the movie is hinged on the happiness brought by the sought-after ring on her finger...until Big, in typical Big fashion, screws her over. That’s when it gets interesting.

But, anyway.

I LOVE that title. The Last Single Girl. Mostly because I feel that it suits me pretty well these days. I’m at a weird age; I'm still 'young', yet old enough for my singlehood to be questioned... old enough to be told that I have a biological clock that’s ticking... old enough to get sympathy stares from family and coupled friends.

Those sympathy stares are the worst. Ugh!

Their eyes soften at the corners and they manipulate their mouths into these tiny awkward smiles and say things like: “It comes when you're not looking". I’m forced to smile and respectfully agree rather than say what I what I really want to which is: “SUCK IT!”

I think what’s most mortifying is when people ask me why I’m single. Because I know it’ll just break their hearts (and force an entire barrage of sympathy stares) if I tell them the truth:

I tried...got my heart broken...and am not ready to risk it again...

There is this 'happily married' woman friend whom I have dinner with every once in awhile. One time, while talking about being single, she looked at me and said: “Well. You’re not putting yourself out there.”

And I had to stifle my first instinct which was to strangle her while screaming," HOW DARE YOU SAY I’M NOT TRYING!", in true telenovela fashion, but she was, in fact, absolutely right.

I don’t accept enough social invitations, don’t accept blind dates, don’t find ways to creatively give a guy my number. Which leads to one seemingly blasphemous conclusion: I like being single. For some reason, this comes off to some as downright offensive.

“So you don’t ever want to get married?” people ask aghast. Which is funny because if you know me well enough, you’ll know that I totally want to get married. I’m a very big fan of the institution. I just don’t want to settle for half-decent in order to get there.

I realize that if I really wanted a boyfriend, like if I was so incredibly desperate for affection/attention, I could get one in 3 seconds. It isn’t difficult. YEAH I SAID IT. I get asked out constantly by very nice men. If all you’re looking for is company, then I’m sure a lot of people would gladly oblige. However; I'm looking for the "perfect man"; perfect for me.

In the nooks and crannies of the bars and clubs and coffee houses, there are a lot of lonely people; I don’t want that. That fact is very difficult to explain to well-intentioned folks. I don’t mind eating alone, shopping alone, driving alone, traveling alone — I am perfectly fine with my own company. I don’t feel like I have to compromise my standards for the sake of a stupid status change on Facebook. Folks no comprendo because being single at 36 is a stigma — a disease — in a society that appropriates happiness with having a relationship with someone other than yourself.

I want a relationship. I really, truly, in my heart-of-hearts di! It’s just that I refuse to settle for anything less than something real. Something with chemistry and compatibility and attraction and, yes, actual committed love.

And even though everyone says I’m going to be waiting for a realllllllllllllly long time, I’m not backing down. One of my favorite teachers once said, "there's no such thing as a tall order". Great things still happen and they do not come easily or without struggle.

That being said: I’m fine right where I am with who I’m with: me.

And I’d rather be the last single girl at that table for one, getting those sympathy stares from passersby, than the woman who stays with a guy she absolutely cannot stand just because she’s scared or the woman tied down to a husband and kids in a loveless rat race.

So, I'm the Last Single Girl...but I'm happy!

Thank God for Them!

2010-11-30T17:51:00.000-05:00

Around the holidays, I sometimes get a little melancholy because I spent so many years as part of a couple; This year is different. After an unbelievable Thanksgiving feast expertly cooked by my brother, I sat on the couch braiding my nieces hair as she played "Bubble Breaker" on my phone. Grandpa and Dad were watching the football games. My little niece was sweetly running around the room putting fake lipstick and eyeshadow on everyone (including grandpa). Sister-in-law and mom were getting the barrage of desserts ready to be devoured as they made fun of my post-thanksgiving eve hangover.

I took in the hustle and bustle around me as I loosely braided my nieces hair into a "Bo Derek" style. It made me smile to myself; I felt joy and gratitude. I felt very lucky that this nutty family was mine. Despite the challenges I have faced, I always have them: My grandpa that spouts out hilarious one-liners. My grandma, a poor-mans Betty White, who is charmingly ditzy. My brother who has the gift of cooking and dry sense-of-humor. My sister-in-law with her type-A attention to detail. My dad who thinks he's "Tony Soprano". My mom who is my "Sylvia" (Fran's mother from "The Nanny"). My nieces who jump up and down with delight when I walk through the door. They are loud and crazy and mine. Thank God for them!

The Game

2010-11-24T11:15:00.000-05:00

Almost a month ago, my thoughtful friends brought me the best gift ever for ny birthday; a tall, muscular, smart funny man. We went on a few dates; and while I don't think we are compatible in the long-term, I have made another good friend. I truly believe this man's kindness to be genuine and sincere; but I thought most of my ex's to be genuine. Unfortunately, I now recognize these men were running through rehearsed shtick in order to capture me.

My ex and I liked to play Scrabble. I never would win, but, I enjoyed the little rivalry and display of intelligence. I thought this was something special the two of us shared; I had no clue this was his game he ran on all of his girlfriends. Just as fake as our intimate Scrabble matches was the revealing of his poetry...and his 'original' jokes...and his 'one-of-a-kind' pet names for me. That asshole even stole some of my jokes to use on his new girlfriends after me! This discovery was as disappointing as finding out that Santa Claus was just a myth. I can't blame a guy for using what works; but, it's insulting!

Looking at my own dating behavior, I approach every man as a unique individual. I don't have a set repartoire I pull from; that's the hallmark of a phony. I don't whip out my Scrabble board to show off my intelligence. I don't share my poetry to show my 'emotional depth'. I don't use past boyfriends jokes like, 'If you were a hamburger at McDonald's, they would call you the McGorgeous" to prove my rapier witt. I'm not fake; I'm 'normal'. I approach every situation with sincerity, not as a well-trained actor.

In the game of love, I have no game-I'm not even a water girl. With that said, I'm just me. I have a pure heart and someone is going to have to love me for me. Waste someone else's time with silly games; this girl has a real life to live!

What is Love? Baby Don't Hurt Me

2010-11-15T17:08:00.000-05:00

Who amongst us has not been wounded playing in the precarious game of love? If anyone can honestly say “no”, then they are either eleven and have never had a crush or they have a severe personality disorder. My whole journey through “Operation: Get A Life” started because of such a devastation. Life is but a learning experience; however, and this time around in the Love Olympics, I am a seasoned professional. It will be different and better in this next go-round for the man worthy enough to earn my heart.

Love is a verb; it is an action. I never believed that to be true until I experienced my last long-term relationship. It is not about what a person says; it’s about what they do and how they make you feel. People ‘talk’ all of the time and never back up their chatter with deeds. I believed hole-heartedly in a lot of the idle talk I have heard in the past; now I know better. I have done the grueling mental and emotional work and I am more than ready to let the past go and place its dysfunctional relationships aside forever.

Forest Gump’s momma wisely states, “Stupid is as stupid does”. Love is the same, “Love is as love does”. Good, healthy couplings make your life bigger instead of smaller. Dysfunctional pairings make you lose your self-esteem, self-respect, reasoning, friends, family, jobs, independence, and even your appetite! That is not love; it is fear and repeating unresolved issues.

When you meet someone who truly loves and respects you, your life becomes so much larger! Your interests and independence are valued and encouraged and you have the added bonus of having someone to share it all with! You are not sacrificing anything for love; you are being enriched as a person.

Real love won’t make you wait and worry and wonder what will happen; you will feel at ease in the security. Real love will not be a drain or a burden; it will be an energizing force! Loving someone is not torment and misery; it is jubilation and euphoric.

Love is in action.

Don’t forget it.

We are all worthy of real love.

It’s worth waiting for…

Affirmation Station: All Aboard

2010-11-09T15:34:00.000-05:00

Okay...so I'm into hippie-trippie-new-agey mind techniques. I'll admit I have watched "The Secret" movie...I'll admit that I burn aromatherapy candles...I'll admit that I practice Feng Shui in my home. I figure, none of it can hurt and it all helps you focus on the positive. Last night at bedtime, I decided to try an ipod audioprogram on bringing positivity into life. It's basically a program that gets you into a relaxed state over soft music that whispers positive affirmations (declarative statements) into your ears (and hopefully, the subconscious mind). I felt good when I woke up this morning, but who knows if it was the affirmations or a flashback from prior drug use (kidding mom!). I plan on giving this program the college try of 4 weeks; I'll let you know if it works.

Anyways, I found this article on the use of affirmations-if you woud like to try them now:

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Use Empowering Words When You Talk to Yourself

(whether you are speaking out loud or silently)

How do you talk to yourself?

Do you use the words "can't", "won't", "don't need to", "why try"?

Many people do.

Do you find that what you say to yourself turns out to be true?

Why is this?

You see your brain is like a computer that you feed each day. It doesn't know always know what's real or not unless you tell it.

Example: If someone you love has hurt you, you may tell yourself that all people who love you will probably hurt you too.

Your brain just files this information for reference, it's data, little zeroes and ones and no column that asks "true or not true?" Now your brain thinks, based on what you told it, that everyone you'll ever love will hurt you.

How do you think you will respond the next time you get hurt?

Right!!

Now, what if we instead told our brain:

"Okay this person ripped my heart out - but that's only one person. I'm lovable and have many loving people in my life who are not out to hurt me. I know that the right people are coming into my life all the time. If someone hurts me, I will forgive them and bless them on their way."

Words can be empowering.

I can

I love to

I want to

I will

I must

I am

We can reach a new level of living, if we feed ourselves empowering words and practice saying them until they become a habit.

I know first hand that it takes time.

And I also know that it's worth it.

Try it for a week.

Catch yourself saying, "I can't", when you don't really mean it and instead try, "I can", and see how you think and feel about yourself.

Remember, the words you use to empower yourself will have a lasting effect, only if you practice them and they become a habit (an acquired behavior pattern regularly followed until it has become almost involuntary).

They say it takes at least 28 days to develop a habit. After a week, you will see that it becomes easier. It's a mindset and you can control your thoughts. Be proactive and not reactive - give yourself some good words.

Dream big and empower yourself! Believe you can and you will.

Too Much

2010-11-08T19:01:00.000-05:00

The best advice I received in my singledom came from one of my married-with-children friends: “Realize how lucky you are! You have no one to answer to…no one to consider…you can do anything in the world that you desire. You can party all night and sleep until noon because you have no husband that will be pissed and no kids to get up and care for... You can take off for the day and bet $500 on black because you don’t have to pay the mortgage bill. You can buy your designer dresses and handbags because you can! You can wear your 4-inch-stilletos because you don’t have little ones to run after…You can be selfish; take karate…paint a mural…take a tour of NBC…because you can. Enjoy the life I conceded! And make sure the man you give your single freedom away for is well worth it!”

Her ‘pep talk’ made me appreciate my single life in a whole new way; I took joy and delight in the freedom I had previously taken for granted. In order to be healthy, I decided to look at “dates” in a way I hadn’t before; just to enjoy the company of another person. No thinking, ‘maybe he’s the one’ or any of that nonsensical pressure. Unfortunately, this new accepted wisdom has put me in an odd position. With my ex, I had become accustomed to being on the bottom of the see-saw; being the one in the relationship who was insecure and off-balance. I’m not used to being in the ‘power position’ and I don’t like being a little heartbreaker. Not quite sure how to handle being the one in control over a relationship; it makes me uncomfortable. Is it because I have this new attitude? Does it make me more attractive to men because I’m harder to get?

I have waited a long time for a good man to come into my life; but, I want to take things at a snail’s pace. I like dating around and choosing who I want to spend my time with and when I will spend my time with them. I don’t like having to back men off and being though of as a ‘player’, ‘heartbreaker’, ‘cold’, or a ‘bitch’. I’m just simply biding my time and making sure I make a good selection this time from the fray; I need to make sure the man I am with is ‘worth’ giving up my prized freedom.

Many of the men I have met are nice; but much too much! Flowers, dinners, 250 text messages a day, 50 phone calls an hour-its all so sweet, but its all much too much! I don’t want to be treated like feces; I would have stayed with my ex if that were the case. The heavy-handed approach, however, turns me off. I need a man on the same page; who doesn’t mind moving at a slug’s tempo. I am in no rush to surrender my singledom; but the man that does win it, is going to be very special.

About Me Survey

2010-11-05T13:07:00.000-04:00

Part 1- ME

Were you a planned baby?
No-I was a happy accident ;)

Were you the first?
Nope-my parents saved the best for last.

Who was present at your birth?
I was born in the 70's and my parents were not hippies; so-my mom was knocked out, my dad in the waiting room, and the doctor and nurse delivered me with cigarettes hanging out of their mouths.

Were your parents married when you were born?
Yes-again; my parents were not hippies.
PART 2- THE FAMILY

Parents married or divorced?
Still unhappily married lol

An only child?
No-there are 3 of us...but only 2 of us are 'normal' (2 out of 3 ain't bad)

If you have siblings are you oldest, middle, or youngest?
Youngest

Which parent do you get along with best?
Mom...it's fun to gang up on my dad.

Do you have step-parents?
No
PART 3- THE FRIENDS

Do you have more than one best friend?
No-I'm not 11.

What do you like to do when you are together?
Cause massive trouble, talk, and grab cocktails.

Do you share the same interest?
Yes-see above.

Which friends can you tell everything to?
I tell everyone everything; I have no secrets.

PART 4- YOUR PERSONALITY

Do you have low self esteem?
In general I think my self-esteem is average; we all have unrealistic expectations heaped upon us in our society. I don't know many women with high self-esteem.

Do you get depressed about things easily?
Not easily; but I am in touch with my emotions and can get sad (who doesn't?)

Do you consider yourself an extrovert or an introvert?
Extrovert!

Are you happy?
Yes-finally bc I lost 230 pounds (my ex! hardy har har)

Do you live life to the fullest?
I never did before the last year of my life; now I do everything I want and try new things and experiences. Life is too short to merely exist!
PART 5- APPEARANCE

Are you comfortable with the way you look?
Yes-but I always want to be thinner, no matter how thin I get lol

Describe your hair?
My hair is beautiful, if I must say so...it's long, thick, and blonde...it is the hair of a greek godess!

How do you dress?
I am a fashionista! I love my designer silk dresses...I am known for my 2 walk-in closets full of designer crap.

Were you a strange child?
Yes; hence, I am a strange adult. Good strange tho--very smart, dry sense of humor...

What is your ambition?
I want to inspire and conquer through the written word!

Are you scared of growing old alone?
Sometimes I am; but I don't think I will--I'm too awesome to end up alone.

Do you want to get married?
If the right man comes along.

PART 8- THE OUTDOORS

Do you prefer indoors or outdoors?
INDOORS--in a spa--no bugs---good food---lots of pampering

Right season?
I love winter and snowstorms.

Do you like walking in the rain?
Yes, actually.

PART 9- FOOD

Are you a vegetarian?
Hell to the no...pass that filet mignon (the rarer the better).

What is your favorite food?
Chocolate or spaghetti and meatballs.

What food makes you want to gag?
Tripe--so freakin gross!

What is your favorite dessert?
Hmm...I would have to say chocolate cake with vanilla icing.

Favorite restaurant(s)?
I enjoy Nissen, Gasho, Besito, Grand Lux Cafe, Blackstone.

PART 10- RELATIONSHIPS AND LOVE

Are you single or taken?
Neither ;)

If taken who is the lucky guy/girl?
I have a crush-but too early to say who!

Do you think love is the best feeling in the world?
Sure--but not just romantic love...the love I get from my nieces or the students at work, and of course-my family.

Do you believe in love at first sight?
No-lust at first site.

Every suffer heartbreak?
Have you not read my blog?

Describe your ideal mate:
Tall, muscular, athletic, intelligent, FUNNY, down-to-earth

Princess

2010-11-02T19:29:00.001-04:00

Every former boyfriend I have ever had has nicknamed me "Princess". If I had to take a guess, I would say that this is a relatively common occurance. Hey-I even bought a Princess costume for Halloween because it's my belief that every girl should be a princess on her birthday (too bad it was 900 sizes too big and I had to be 'Alice in Wonderland' instead.). I have never been called "Princess" to my face at work or by a superior, past or present, to my face...until today. I can't say I'm happy about this inappropriate and sexist remark!

At the conference I attended, the instructors underestimated the turnout. I was among 80 other educators in a classroom built for 30 people. Not only did I have to stand for the whole lecture; it was hotter than the blazes of hell. Genetically I am gifted in the area of perspiration. I don't sweat; my mom doesn't sweat; my mom's mom doesn't sweat. Today was the perspiration exception; I could feel beads of sweat rolling down my back. I actually started to feel sick. Being an assertive person, I went to find someone in charge to see if they could seat us in a bigger area (like the auditorium). As I did this, some colleages overheard me try to proactively tackle this unsavory situation. I saw them rolling eyes and one little troll muttered, "Awe-the princess finds the conditions unacceptable." My skin burned I was so pissed!

I may get sick a lot, but I do my job with 150% everyday! My students are excited to learn in my class and I want to be able to bring fresh techniques to my classroom. So why am I labeled a "princess" because I am being assertive? Because I'm a woman? I am getting sick of being the complaining voice trying to fight for the sanctity of a program I built! I am getting tired of being labeled a "princess" or a "bitch" because I am not bring heard, yet, I refuse to be silent? I'm trying to better myself, my program., and ultimately empower my students.

I'm going to sleep on the urge I have to send a letter to the offending individuals. I'm really tired of fighting in the "good-ole boys" network. Maybe these "men" didn't learn proper manners or got shot down a lot by girls in high school. Whatever the case, if I'm a "princess"-you guys are assholes! Princess Jasmine, Princess Diana, Princess Grace; I'm in good company. All you guys have as assholes are a neighbor that's a dick and two other neighbors that are nuts!

Free to Be You and Me

2010-11-02T13:21:00.002-04:00

What a glorious day! Not only is the weather my favorite (bright, sunny, with a tinge of cold), but, it's election day! I had the day off from work to go to a Health and Physical Education conference where I ogled some hot personal trainers and learned some new teaching techniques. I was more excited; however, when I pulled up to my polling place and I could not find a place to park. People are out and they are making their voices heard loud and clear! Makes me feel so patriotic!

In high school, I can still remember the day when I first registered to vote. I checked off the "Republican" box on that yellow slip of paper because I idolized Ronald Reagan. I didn't really have an understanding of what a "Republican" stood for until I got much older. I'm embarrassed to say that in my first election in 1992, I voted for Ross Perot (he had great graphs and charts haha). When I got older and wiser, I found that the Republican viewpoint was more in synch with my values (a few differences, but overall, very close). I never had the zest for politics and issues that I presently possess until the last 3 or 4 years.

This country slowly but surely is sinking into a virtual toilet! I have seen my beautiful country change from having the freedom to achieve all that you want if you work hard; to a country taken over by socialist rhetoric, where it's all handed to you without work or struggle. The children today feel so entitled to everything without any effort! The disintegration of pride and a good work ethic is just as tragic as the rising national debt. No matter which side of the aisle you stand on, it' so wonderful that we can let our voices be heard today at the ballot box. Thanks goes to the sweetest lady named Fanny, who helped talk me through the new ballots (it's like taking a scantron test) and to a nice man, named Lenny, who helped me feed it through the machine.

I am so proud to be American today; even if some of you disagree with my political ideation...we are free to be you and me in this beautiful land of ours. Whatever the outcome, I sincerely hope we can reclaim the glory I once grew up with in those long-lost Regan Years.

A Wonderful Halloween Birthday!

2010-10-31T20:43:00.000-04:00

I had such an amazing weekend of birthday parties! I can't believe how many friends-old and new-came out to celebrate with me. I could barely even say hi to everyone that came out for my special day. Sometimes we don't realize how much we mean to other people because we all get caught up in the day-to-day grind; I was truly touched by the outpouring of love! The good is starting to pour in after so much struggle with negativity: someone made off with my cellphone when I put it on the bar; but I ended up getting a better one with all the accessories for free, I met a smart, hot republican man who I can wear my high-heels with, and I realized how much I am loved by my family and friends! One of the best birthdays I ever had-thanks so much-I love you all :)

Almost T-shirt Time!

2010-10-29T12:40:00.000-04:00

Happy Birthday Wishes

Wow! I really am so grateful for all of my wonderful family and friends! The outpouring of love and friendship I have received for my birthday this year has been amazing...and it's not even my birthday yet! I truly feel warmth, kindness, and support--you all are the best and my life would be so empty without you. I can't wait until after all the birthday parties being thrown for me this weekend, because I'm sure of two things: My blog will be hilarious and my stilletos will once again be embedded in my front lawn. I love you all!

A Little Funny for Today

2010-10-27T17:24:00.001-04:00

Holy shit! What was up with today? Everything was such a cluster eff---my computer at work was going bonkers, my students were uncharacteristically crazed, and I hit major traffic on the way home. Starting tomorrow, my various birthday parties are beginning; I truly want to thank all my friends for making my birthday truly special this year. I'm positive I will have some funny blog stories to share after this weekend of birthday mayem! Anyways, I hope all of you had a good day today. I can use a little funny after this stressful wednesday--so I decided to share some funny with you. Enjoy!

On Narcissism

2010-10-26T15:18:00.000-04:00

Going out to dinner with the girls, our conversation always turns to the men in our lives. I thought I was the only one with a history of dating narcissistic men; boy was I wrong! Our culture cultivates this disorder and unfortunately, it breaks hearts and makes you feel like someone took a truck and ran over you with it! Let's take a look at Nacissitic Personality Disorder:

Traits of a Narcissist:
Narcissists are at the root: (a) extremely sensitive to personal criticism and (b) extremely critical of other people.

authoritarian

care only about appearances

competitive
contemptuous

critical of others

cruel
don't recognize own feelings
feel entitled

flirtatious or seductive

grandiose

hard to have a good time with

hate to be alone

hyper-sensitive to criticism

impulsive
pessimistic
secretive

self-contradictory
strange work habits

weird sense of time

Narcissism is a personality disorder and it is important to understand what this means. People with personality disorders are rigid and unaware that their thoughts and behavior patterns are inappropriate.

Research indicates they are rarely the ones who come in for treatment. Instead, the spouse, significant other, children, and parents of the personality disordered are the ones who suffer and seek therapy. PDIs rarely seek treatment.

Furthermore, personality disorders begin in adolescence/early adulthood and do not change over time. While PDIs often have a hard time dealing with stress and may have symptoms such as substance abuse or anxiety that can be treated with medication, it is important to understand that the personality disorder itself cannot be treated. These personality traits are so deeply ingrained that they defy change.

One analogy I’ve read before that really helped me understand the permanence of a personality disorder is to compare it to a mental illness. Mental illnesses (such as Schizophrenia or Bipolar Disorder) can be treated with medication and cognitive therapy. Most mental illnesses are caused by disruptions in brain cell receptors and synapses, which are believed to be genetically inherited. As long as someone with Schizophrenia or Bipolar disorder is committed to taking their medication regularly, symptoms subside and they feel and act relatively normal.

The onset of mental illness is typically quite sudden and profound. It is often described as though a heavy wool blanket has descended upon a person’s personality and smothered it. A personality disorder, on the other hand, is all pervasive.

With mental illness, a person’s personality is smothered or blanketed by the onset of the mental illness. Medication used to restore proper chemical balance in the brain helps to remove the blanket and bring back the true personality of the individual.

In contrast, the personality of someone with a personality disorder is virtually interwoven into every fiber of that blanket. If you unravel the blanket, you unravel the person’s entire personality. The easiest way of thinking of it is this:

Someone doesn’t have a personality disorder; they ARE the personality disorder.

Therefore, the way I see it is simple: you have two choices. You either accept your partner for who he/she is or you move on. It is critical that you understand you have done nothing wrong nor is there anything you can do to change the situation. It is not your fault. You fell in love with someone who is incapable of having an adult mature relationship based on reciprocity and love. Personality disorders cannot be treated. It is time to move on. You owe it to yourself and deserve so much more in life.

It's Q and A Time Once Again: TraceyAnn Answers

2010-10-23T12:23:00.000-04:00

You emailed me with your questions...here are my answers. Look for more TraceyAnn Answers soon (I have a back-log of questions...keep them coming! Email them to TraceyAnnAnswers@gmail.com )

QUESTION: My boyfriend I lived with for 2 years up and left me! This was out-of-the-blue and I'm still in shock because our relationship was perfect. I cant eat, can't sleep...help!

TRACEYANN ANSWERS: First of all, a huge virtual hug for you! I know how unbelievably sucky and painful your situation is, baby doll. Even though the relationship was "perfect" on your end, it obviously wasn't on his end. I know how you feel; the pain comes on in these horrible waves of dread, anxiety, and sobbing. It truly is the worst feeling in the world! You have to be kind to yourself; you just suffered a major loss. Everything you are experiencing is normal. The bad news is that it hurts like hell; the good news is that you will get through it and there is an end to all this pain. In order to heal fully, you have to feel. As humans, we want an end to our pain as quickly as possible: we drink, use drugs, shop, eat, or end up in rebound relationships. None of these short-term fixes will work. My ex started dating a new girl 5 days after I left our house! How do you think that relationship worked out for them? Not too well! Me? I chose the hard road; I worked on myself-I cried myself to sleep, read books, started this blog, helped others, and cried some more...it took a lot of time, but I got through it and am an improved version of myself. I choose happiness. My ex? In my opinion, he has not grown at all as a person and will probably keep making the same mistakes over and over again. I highly reccommend going to see your doctor and getting a temporary prescription sleep aid or anxiety-reducer like Ambien or Xanax. You will be amazed how much better you feel when you are rested. If you are not up to eating, try to drink a protein shake; it is of utmost importance that you take care of your physical health so you do not get sick (trust me-I didn't eat or sleep for weeks and got a horrible flu, which made me feel worse mentally). Read a lot of inspirational books (try amazon) or find website communities to support you during this difficult time (it is so helpful to commiserate with others, to show we are not alone in our grief). Be kind to yourself. You do not see it now, but. it will be the best thing that ever happened to you--I promise! XOXO!

QUESTION: How's your dating life?
TRACEYANN ANSWERS: Just fine...how's yours? No shortage of boys (huge shortage of real men though lol).

QUESTION: Happy to see the blog is back! What the hell happened to you? I actually enjoy reading your blog and missed you.
TRACEYANN ANSWERS: Awe...thanks, sweet cheeks! I went through a major writer's block phase. I was trying to write for a political publication (and I am so much better as a narrative writer), and I burnt myself out on writing for awhile. I was also crazy busy in my personal and professional lives. I don't like to post anything that I do not absolutely love; and even my last few posts-I see so many errors that my OCD drives me crazy! I have made a personal commitment to myself to write more...so sit back and enjoy, my love.

QUESTION: You seem so together these days; are you as perfect as you seem?
TRACEYANN ANSWERS: LMAO! OMGoodness No! I am sitting here writing with my uncombed hair, unbrushed teeth, in my pj's...I go through my ups and downs too. I have wonderful days and days where I cry. I have days where I'm kind and considerate and days where I'm a full-blown bitch. No one is perfect and I will never pretend to be...I will say this for myself; even on my worst day, I'm not that bad ;)

36 Lessons Learned for my 36 Years

2010-10-22T15:21:00.000-04:00

My birthday is October 30th. I'm not going to lie; birthdays stopped being fun a few years ago. I thank the great Lord for my good genetics and my dermatologist for her artful application of botox. I know that I look far younger than my 36 years; but, I sure don't feel it. I'm a little down about entering my late 30's; I haven't accomplished many of the goals I set yet. On one hand, I have an insane life (insane in a good way!); on the other hand I feel lonely that I have no special other to share it with yet.

I am a perpetual student of life and I doubt I will ever stop absorbing knowledge. With that, I present 36 lessons I have learned in my 36 years:

1) If you make one good friend in your life, then you're lucky.

2) Botox gets rid of migraines!

3) No matter what dopey decisions you make in your life, family will always love you!

4) Maybe 'reincarnation' is possible...

5) Without faith in God, life would be pretty bleak.

6) There really is a good reason for everything...even though getting through some trials in life are not pleasant!

7) Even though I sometimes complain about my job, I love my purpose in life and every day I get the chance to make the world a better place.

8) Mom was right: credit cards were not free money (took me a while to learn that one lol)

9) I would not be who or what I am, if not for the love and support of my parents.

10) I am a pretty damn funny individual...maybe I should try stand-up comedy.

11) Intelligence is sexier than big muscles.

12) I don't take enough chances.

13) Fear, control, and insecurity can not exist in a relationship if it is true love.

14) If someone seems mean or surly, there is probably something going on that is sad in their lives (show kindness to them, even if its hard).

15) A smile can cure someones bad day.

16) Hearing my niece's quick, little footsteps upstairs is one of the sweetest sounds I ever heard.

17) I made a bucket list; now is the time to start tackling that list!

18) Tv and movies will always supply me with my mafia fix (thank you for "Boardwalk Empire" HBO).

19) Your 20's are for making mistakes; your 30's are for learning from them.

20) Never lose your inner child; I still enjoy playing with Play Doh and coloring rainbows and sunshines.

21) A snowy day. a comfy blanket, a good movie, and a cup of hot cocoa = bliss.

22) Feeling depression is a gift; it spurs us on to necessary changes.

23) When gambling, leave when the cards get cold!

24) Don't be afraid of silence; drink it in and use it to listen to your inner guidance.

25) To get where you want to be, you have to start somewhere.

26) Dr. Phil was right: "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior".

27) Talk is cheap; actions speak louder than words.

28) Guys come and go, but your true friends will always be there.

29) Being a genuinely nice person who lives a good life sets you apart from the rest of the pack.

30) You can't make someone love you no matter how hard you try, wish, or pray-so why waste your energy on them?

31) Laughter and vomiting are the best ab workouts.

32) Releasing the past is necessary to allow future blessings to come into your life.

33) If you do what you've always done, you're going to get what you've always gotten (another Dr. Phil-ism).

34) I am convinced all liberals are mentally ill, because I haven't met one I can reason with!

35) A moment on the lips IS a lifetime on the hips.

36) Even though I haven't made the most of my blessings and opportunities in the past, I am so grateful for my life and all of you who are a part of it. Live it up!

Reject!

2010-10-21T17:16:00.000-04:00

I love going to see a good comedy show. Jim Breuer and Lisa Lampenelli are my favorites. If you really listen to a good comedian’s rap, you can hear that they are just a lot more honest than the rest of us. The brutal honesty about their weaknesses, disappointments, and rejections are inspiring to me; especially since I have first hand experience with these (and more) shortcomings.

Rejection is an especially dreadful experience; albeit, a necessary side effect of living life. I have been decimated by rejection and my ego has been painfully ground into dust in its wake. However, think of the many brilliant people who have made a huge contribution to society! Rejections are the norm, not the exception:

Thomas Edison who developed many devices which greatly influenced life in the 20th century. Edison is considered one of the most prolific inventors in history, holding 1,093 U.S patents to his name. When he was a boy his teacher told him he was too stupid to learn anything. When he set out on his own, he tried more than 9,000 experiments before he created the first successful light bulb.

Michael Jordon is the greatest basketball player of all time. A phenomenal athlete with a unique combination of grace, speed, power, artistry, improvisational ability and an unquenchable competitive desire. Jordan single-handedly redefined the NBA superstar. Before joining NBA, Jordan was just an ordinary person, so ordinary that was cut from high school basketball team because of his "lack of skill".

In 1947, one year into her contract, Marilyn Monroe was dropped by 20th Century-Fox because her producer thought she was unattractive and could not act. That didn't deter her at all! She kept on going and eventually she was recognized by the public as the 20th century's most famous movie star, sex symbol and pop icon.

Albert Einstein was a theoretical physicist widely regarded as the most important scientist of the 20th century. He was awarded the 1921 Nobel Prize for Physics for his explanation of the photoelectric effect in 1905 and "for his services to Theoretical Physics". However, when Einstein was young, his parents thought he was mentally retarded. His grades in school were so poor that a teacher asked him to quit, saying, "Einstein, you will never amount to anything!"

Steven Spielberg the film director, has won 3 Academy Awards and ranks among the most successful filmmakers in history. Most of all, Steven was recognized as the financially most successful motion picture director of all time. During his childhood, Spielberg dropped out of junior high school. He was persuaded to come back and was placed in a learning-disabled class. He only lasted a month and then dropped out of school forever.

We can learn a great deal from these pioneers: they enjoy taking risks, they don’t take rejection too personally, they are optimistic and see abundance, and they don’t settle. So, should you or I get crushed because a romance didn’t work out or someone didn’t find us attractive or our boss overlooked us for a promotion? Hell to the no! I, for one am holding out for greatness! I certainly don’t want to settle grabbing for something safe!

Yes, rejection hurts because we are only human; the challenge is to take those pains and invest them into making you better, not bitter! If I had a nickle for all the times I got rejected; jobs, in career, friendships, romance; I'd be a wealthy lady! All of my rejections led me to work harder and I always end up opening new door that shows me immense possibilities. My rejections were not without some anguish or heart ache; however, like it or not they all brought me to this wonderful place in my life and to destinations yet to be explored.

Sick Beats and Great Friends...but Please Get Me Home by 4am

2010-10-19T16:50:00.001-04:00

I had a fabulous time at a birthday bash last nite. Back in the day (I mean waaaaaay back), my crew was heavy into house music, especially afterhours Soundfactory sessions with legendary DJ Jonathan Peters. We relived the glory days (sort of) at the Roseland Ball Room in New York City. We arrived in style in the pimped out limo, all spiffy and beautiful. There were a good 20 of us, so it was terrific fun. By 4am, I was shot. I think the rest of the dirty stay outs were in for the long haul (well-past my threshold). My all-nighter days (does that make sense?) are very far behind me. Even though I had a great time with fun friends and unbelievable music, it's not the life I thought I would have at my age.

When you're in 10th grade English class, a common journal assignment is usually, "Write About Your Life 20 Years from Now". At 15, my current age seemed ancient. I furiously filled the pages of my composition notebook with my future: the husband, the kids, the house, and the dog. Turns out that I don't have any of those things (save the dog) and I have to assume that God wants me to travel another road. I don't know if a Soundfactory reunion is tops on God's list, but, He has to have some interesting plan in store that will make sense. I guess God wants me to do more than have the traditional life I have wanted, but find elusive nonetheless.

Don't get me wrong; more grateful for my life I could not be! I have many blessings and opportunities. Focusing on what I do have and not on what I lack has been quite the challenge for me this year. I am still travelling down this road, trying to make sense of this journey I have chosen (all while keeping a sense of humor). It is quite comical how this birthday party Soundfactory reunion has shown me just how far I have come and how much I have grown. Had I been 25, I would still be there dancing! Now I want to get up at a decent hour and not waste the day. My friends with children have it worse than me...they had to get up and parent today!

It was fun; the dancing midgets, the sick beats, the muscley guys sans shirts, and of course, wonderful friends!

*Originally written 9/26/10

Too Bad, So Sad...Move On!

2010-09-20T19:06:00.001-04:00

In order to live a full life and not merely exist, we must learn how to let go of the past and its disappointments. This is not a feat to be taken lightly; it takes a lot of soul searching and hard work. The past year has been a roller coaster ride of emotions for me. The central theme of my life? Let go and move on because you have a long life left to live, chickadee!

I have observed people move on from various heartaches very rapidly (speed-of-light quick). At first, I was a little jealous of these folks. Take my ex for example; how could he get over me so fast? I was the woman he was going to marry and I was replaced in the blink of an eye. As a keen observer, I realized my ex and the other speeding bullets were merely repressing their emotions. If you do not work through the negative emotions and perceived failures, they will come back to bite your in the ass! The emotions will weigh you down and break you, like Precious on a teeter totter.

I am not suggesting that someone hangs on to pain, bitterness, or disappointment from a past conflict; that's much too heavy a burden for anyone to bare! However, you need time to reflect, to learn, to pray, and to get your shiz together before you jump into seemingly greener pastures.

It has taken me one-year-and-six-months to get to the point where I am ready to put the past away. Some might scoff and claim that I spent much too much time suffering from my loss; I disagree. I didn't just mourn the loss of someone I loved; I mourned the loss of many hopes and dreams and visions of the future. I mourned the future of my life. I mourned a wedding that never happened and children that were never born. It took one-year-and-six-months, but the dawn has come...

I learned a lot about myself and the emmense strength I didn't even know I had! Out came talents that were buried, new interests pursued, and friendships renewed. It took a long time, but, I would not trade this long, treacherous road for the easy one. Nothing worthwhile comes easily; and moving on with one's life is no exception.

After much introspection, new dreams were born in my heart. Remember the story of the "Tortoise and the Hare"? The moral was 'slow and steady wins the race'. It may have taken me a long time, but now I know I am ready to move on...it's about time!

Stalked

2010-09-18T16:09:00.000-04:00

A while back, I wrote a whimsical blog about my "stalkers" at local coffee hangouts (Here a Stalker, There are Stalker, Everywhere a Stalker). With a new school year starting, I thought I would try to go back to Dunkin Donuts and hope that my stalker dissappeared. Not only is he still there, his behavior towards me has escalated and instead of writing a free-wheeling blog about it, I can not; I'm honestly scared.

Not to toot my own horn, but, I get hit on a lot. When I went to Atlantic City last month, I was like the queen of the casino. I received everything from cat calls to marriage proposals (not kidding!). This guy is not normal or cute; he's creepy. A "normal" dude would try his luck if interested and when politely turned down, not persist. Creepy has made sexually harrassing comments and eye f*cked me at least 70 times. The comments range from "you look beautiful today" to "you're so stuck up, but hot". Now it got to the point where he has waited for me outside of the Dunkin Donuts and he has followed me.

I never thought I would be in a precarious situation such as this; and I have awesome guy friends that have offered to give this douche a scare. My fear is that he knows where I work; and being unbalanced as he appears to be, will appear at my job. I have notified the higher ups at my employment of the situation, but since a co-worker collapsed and passed away this week; everyone is preoccupied and understandably so.

I have taken safety measures on my own, including going for boxing training. The world can be so awesome; but it can also be so scary!

Sorry Been So Long...

2010-09-13T15:10:00.001-04:00

Hi Friends! It's been a long while since I have blogged! I have been writing; however, I am a perfectionist and I will not post anything I don't really love! This blog will be short and sweet and I promise to be back to writing soon. Thanks to all of you who have emailed me; I try to write everyone back, but time has been tight these days.

In addition to starting to teach a new school year, I have been doing a lot of writing for a political magazine (Weird, right?). Many people know I have been into politics for some time. Disgusted with the direction our current administration has taken our beautiful country, I decided to take action. I am volunteering with local campaigns and working to bring some order to the chaotic state of our union. In New York we have had a lot going on with the controversy over the "Ground Zero" Mosque/Community Center and the anniversary of 9/11. Those are blog topics for another day...

Politcs keeps me very busy, but I am also taking classes as I am a perpetual student that loves to learn. Sandwiched somewhere in between work, school, political wrangling, the gym, and my family is my social life. No, I stil haven't found a new love, but I am in no rush and am enjoying my single time. I like to think of my single time as the "calm before the storm". It's fun not having to answer anyone and going wherever I want, whenever I want. My eyes and heart are open though...

I promise I'll be posting more regularly--missed you guys! XO!

My Dog Max: A Royal Pain in the Ass

2010-08-19T13:53:00.000-04:00

When I was twenty-four-years-old, I was dating a man that summered in East Hampton. Walking around that town is great fun if you're a people-watcher like me! You see all sorts of celebrities and they act like normal folks; saying 'good morning' to you, getting a cup of coffe, reading the paper on a park bench. One thing that I was dying to have was a little fluffy doggie that I could walk around the town. I am a dog-lover and what gal doesn't melt over a fluffy little dog. So on a whim, my Bichon Max came into my life.

In my defense, Maxwell (named after my crush, Maxwell Sheffield on "The Nanny") was very mellow and calm when I first got him. I didn't know that it was because he had kennel cough and he nearly died from the lung infection. When he recovered, Oy Vey (as Fran Fine would exclaim)! What a pain in the ass! I thought it was just because he was a puppy, but for the 9 millionth time in my life, I was wrong. He makes "Marley" from "Marley and Me" look like a well-behaved dog!

I took him to dog training school and he failed (and was asked not to come back!). I tried that spray thats suppossed to taste and smell bad and he ate it! I got him a shock collar and I swear he seemed to like the shocks (my dog is a masochist, great)! I have learned to live with his barking and whining (most of it is because he is overly attatched and protective of me). I have coped with his need to mark his territory with his urine by making him wear diapers in the house (he looks kind of cute). And as he has gotten older, he has mellowed out some and as arthritis has set in, he rests most of the day.

Despite that he's a pain in the ass, he is my loveable pain-in-the-ass. I am one of those namby-pamby people who believes that everything is put in your life for a reason or learning lesson. So, I challenge us all to change our perspective and see what we can gain from the hemmoroids that come into our lives...what can we learn from these pain-in-the-asses?

Max has taught me about unconditional love; I love him when he's good and he's bad-just like he loves me when I'm all made up or hung-over smelling like a brewery. He has taught me patience and persistance. Most people would have given up on this animal; I tried and continue to try everything to help his bad habits. He gives me responsabilities that I am obligated to meet.

I have more than one annoyance in my life (as I am sure you do). The challenge is to embrace and learn from them.

My Husband, Drunky

2010-08-13T14:02:00.000-04:00

Last night I accompanied my friend Dee to a birthday party. It was a pleasant surprise to run in to a group of friends I had not seen in years. The summer of my 28th birthday was one of the most fun summers I ever had (it was legendary fun)! I had a hamptons share house with a teacher I worked with and everyone in the share was very down-to-earth and fun. I had a tight group of girlfriends and we ruled the shore! One sunday at the Boardy Barn, my girlfriend ran into a group of guys she had met the previous evening. They would become fast and lasting friends of mine. For a couple of months, I dated one of the guys; but, when he forgot my birthday, I ended it and never spoke to him again. I still kept in contact with the rest of the guys though; they were fun and we were the "Jersey Shore" before those clowns were in middle school.

Througout the years I had a flirtatious relationship with one of the guys in the group I will nickname Drunky. Bad timing prevented us from dating (plus the fact that he dated one of my friends and I dated one of his). I still get teased that I should be with him and I jokingly refer to Drunky as "my husband". When I ran into him last night, he was on me like white on rice. He was showering me with compliments that would make any gal swoon; I was as gorgeous as ever...I made a deal with the devil to look so young...we should hang out....I smell so good...yadda yadda yadda. I don't know what it is about me; but my radar and guard is all the way up. I don't fawn all over men and when they fawn all over me, it makes my bullshit detector go on blast. So I hung out with Drunky a little bit, did some shots, caught up on old times. He tried to kiss me several times and I moved my head; I'm not the bar make-out type. Drunky kept drinking and getting more and more drunk and I got more and more turned off.

I went to the bathroom because I needed a break from Drunky's advances. When I reconviened with the gang, Drunky had gone off hitting on other women (but I was okay with that). Drunk and sloppy is just as big a turn-off to women as it is to men. Later on in the night, Drunky came back to confess how he used to talk to me behind his girlfriend's back and if he had to choose between me and the other chicks he was chatting up he would choose me 'hands down'. How flattering LOL! It was kind of sad actually because I never saw this side of Drunky and I felt nothing but disgust for him. The cappa of the evening was when he said to me, "So you wanna come home with me?" REALLY? I know he was wasted, but, this dude knows me for a long time. He should know I am not a hit-it-and-quit-it chickadee.

Even though I am a bit disgusted at his behavior, I am hopeful we can move past it to resume the friendship we once had. I'll tell you this though; trying to have faith in the male race is becoming increasingly difficult. Especially when men you thought you knew disappoint you :/

Ghosts of the Past

2010-08-13T12:26:00.002-04:00

Your past is a tricky thing. It has shaped you, made you who you are today. If it was difficult or painful, you can't just cut yourself off from it. However, to be healthy, productive, and successful, you can't stay stuck in it either.

One thing we need to realize is that we were born into this world with an empty brain, or "blank slate." From then on, we began receiving "programming" from our parents, teachers, church, peers, community, and media. So, a large part of our past is our programming.

This leads us to our first tip. As adults with free will, we need to choose healthy, positive, healing, motivational, and inspirational programing. We need to begin reading books and listening to audio and watching movies/shows that convey the value of the human spirit and focus on the potential of mankind. This may seem awkward at first because, even though your past programming is negative and painful, you are familiar with it and even feel safe with it. But over time, you will become comfortable with positive programming. You will feel happier and you will like yourself -- which will lead to more productivity and success.

Another thing we need to do to get a handle on our past is to put it into perspective. THE PAST IS OVER. Also, most people consider their past to be their childhood and their adolesence. OK, let's say that's 18 years. Nowadays, most people live to be 70 or 80. So that's only 1/4 (or 25%) of your life. As adults, we can CHOOSE to program ourselves with positive input and make the remaining 3/4 (or 75%) of our lives healthy, happy, productive, and successful.

A third thing we can do is to change the meaning or interpretation we give our past. When our past seems overwhelming to us, we are usually saying things in our minds like, "I've failed then so I'll fail now," or "I'm damaged goods I'll never amount to anything."

YOU DON'T KNOW THAT!

You could just as truthfully say, "I learn from my past. My past taught me what NOT to do. My past challenges and trials made me stronger so I can face the real world today. I went through what I did so I can help others," and so on.

We don't really "get over" our past. What we do is take steps like the ones listed above to keep it from messing up our present and our future.

So, let's get a handle on our past:

*Acknowledge it for what it was -- no better and no worse.

*Put it into perspective -- it's over, and it was only a small part of your life anyway.

*Apply an interpretation or meaning to your past that works for you, not against you.

*CHOOSE positive, healthy, inspirational programming. Read good books, listen to good audio, watch good TV, and socialize with positive people.

DO THIS. Your past does not have to equal your present or YOUR FUTURE.

Planted, Not Buried!

2010-08-06T15:26:00.000-04:00

This morning I had a mini-meltdown. I was just thinking back on some decisions I made in the past and mentally started beating myself up. Faithful or not, I’m a human being and sometimes I grow impatient waiting for the dreams God has put in my heart to find me. I was practically in tears and at a loss for what to do, so I started to read. Amazing how the right messages seem to show up when I need them the most. I found a philosophy about comparing our problems to that of a seed.

A seed is very comfortable up on a shelf, chillaxing in its little package. A seed doesn’t necessarily want to be planted because the cold dirt and darkness can be scary, uncomfortable, and make the seed feel alone. However, what happens to a seed is magical; it goes through adversity and strife and eventually blossoms into something wonderful! I challenged my perspective today: am I going to be a seed that’s buried or am I going to be a seed that is planted?

It’s been a tough year for me adjusting to life on my own. Some days I don’t think I will ever love again. Some days I feel defeated, fat, ugly, worthless, and uncomfortable with my life. I have to remember that my life is like that seed; I have to fight the misfortunes and cope with some unnerving unpleasantries to grow, blossom, and bear the beautiful fruit that my life will become. A veteran farmer doesn’t toss and turn and stay up all night worrying about the harvest; they just know that harvest is going to happen! That’s the key, maybe…just knowing that fruit will spring forth and a rich harvest awaits on the other side of that dark, uncomfortable dirt.

Dream!

2010-07-28T14:25:00.001-04:00

When I was a young teenager my dream was to be a model. I wasn't the typical beauty of the day; but I had this dream. One day, I had a modeling scout chase me through manhattan to give me his card, which finally convinced my parents to let me try to make this dream come to fruition. My mother set up a meeting for me with a reputable agency she did work for to talk about my modeling potential. In short, they ripped me a new asshole. I was too short to do runway, too curvaceous to do catalog-work, and had too “Italian” of a look to do promotions. Although, my spirit was crushed, I never fully gave up that dream. I never made it to the cover of Elle, but, I did in my early twenties do quite a bit of modeling work. It paid the bills and bought a few books through college and it satisfied that dream I had. It was enough validation that I was pretty and I now wanted to be known more for my intelligence.

My dream changed; I now dreamt of becoming a teacher. I had a lot of people try to discourage me; they told me I would never get a job because I didn’t appear as if I were a stereotypical teacher. Experiencing how proper nutrition healed me, I had a deep desire to help children and teach them how to live healthfully and happily. One day I sat in an office waiting to be interviewed for a health job in a well-to-do school district and a teacher came up to me and said, “You’re never going to get this job, honey…you’re too pretty!” Those words burned inside of me and made me more intent on fulfilling my dream. I didn’t get that job, but within a year, I beat out 1500 other applicants to land a full-time teaching position. I have been there ever since and feel grateful for my job every day. Do I resemble a teacher? I don’t care. I do a great job and am more of a parent to some of these children then those who gave birth to them.

I haven’t achieved every dream God has put in my heart. I wanted to be a singer; but, I wasn’t blessed with the best voice (I have a great time at karaoke though). I wanted to be a journalist; but, the media is a little to left for my taste (so I write what I like for my blog). I have some silly dreams (like my dream to be the new housewife on “The Real Housewives of New Jersey”) and some dreams that are more concrete in nature. I dream to be a wife and a mom and to have my own beautiful house with two yellow labs running around the front yard; and I know in my heart these dreams will come to pass. Sometimes I get impatient; sick of having had my heart broken and waiting for my dreams to come true. I have to remind myself that my dreams will become reality; but, I need to stay faithful to my belief that they will come to pass on God’s timetable (not my own).

We all get frustrated. We all have days where we want to give up. We listen to the nay-sayers. We listen to that negative voice inside our heads. It is when we get fed up that we have to dig our heels in and fight the hardest! When our dreams seem the farthest, they are coming soon! “It is always darkest before the dawn” is a timeless saying that has withstood the test of time for a reason. So fight for the dreams that are in your heart today; they are closer than you think!

Perspectives on Emotional Pain

2010-07-22T12:17:00.001-04:00

From the outside eye, one might describe my life as 'perfect’. The blessings I have received are amazing; I have a family that loves and supports me, fun friends, and a life-changing vocation. Combine that with the fact I was blessed with good health, high intelligence, social aptitude, and cuteness and I won the blessings lottery! I am so grateful for my heavenly gifts, there isn’t a word invented to express my thankfulness. However in every life, rain must fall since you need the rain to make a rainbow. My rain has been with my heart. It’s huge and I have risked it on people. Risk is a gamble; you either gain a reward or you get hurt. Unfortunately, I've been hurt.

The last year of my life has been about healing from emotional sorrow. I knew I would be changed and be different as a result of all of the learning and growing I have done; I became a kinder, gentler person intent on living life on purpose. When faced with my ex recently, I still felt the same love I had for the last few years. I wondered if I was being tested or God was playing a cruel joke on me? The result of meeting up with my ex was more and deep pain. It left me with an open wound and lots of philosophical questions: What was the purpose of this meeting? I’m kind. I’m faithful. I’m good. If I am all of these things (like the Bible says to be) why wouldn’t I be rewarded? Why was I so good if I was going to be brought more pain? Is God just the big bully shaking the wimpy kids down for lunch money?

I read a story called “The Hunter and the Bear”. The only way the hunter could set a trapped bear free was to subject the bear to more pain. The hunter had to push the bear's paw further into the trap to set the bear free, even though it caused the bear terrible pain. In the eyes of the bear, the hunter was doing him harm. But, in the eyes of the hunter, he is acting out of compassion. The bear can not understand the hunter’s intentions because he is too different to understand him. This little story, put some of my feelings in perspective: Just like the hunter to the bear, God is not here to hurt us, but to help us. Unfortunately, we are too different to understand Him and the method of his madness. Maybe our pain and suffering is really to be of help to us.

My friends that have had children describe childbirth as the most painful experience they have ever experienced. Each one describes the blood, the throbbing, the vaginal tearing (yes-the vagina can tear open!); however, if given the chance to do it over again, each one of them would go through all of the pain in a heartbeat. When you have that beautiful baby in your arms, your aching, hot mess of a vagina doesn’t matter so much anymore. All that pains seems to have passed by in the blink of an eye. When we experience pain, it feels like an eternity. Some days I ask myself, "When will this end? When will I feel like me again?" It will pass, it will make sense, and it will appear as a brief moment in time.

I can’t explain why an innocent child falls ill or why a great person gets maligned. But I do believe there is a purpose for all suffering; even if we can not comprehend it at this moment.

Rainfall makes the beautiful flowers grow and glorious rainbows appear. I haven’t found that flower or rainbow, yet…I guess I need a little more rain to let the beauty in my life emerge.

Comes the Dawn

2010-07-21T13:31:00.002-04:00

After a while you learn the subtle difference

Between holding a hand and chaining a soul.

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning

And company doesn't mean security,

And you begin to understand that kisses aren't contracts

And presents aren't promises,

And you begin to accept your defeats with your head held high and eyes opened,

With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.

You learn to build your roads on today

Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,

And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much,

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,

Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers,

And you learn that you really can endure,

That you really are strong.

And you really do have worth.

And you learn and learn...

With every goodbye comes the dawn.

The Fear

2010-07-11T13:37:00.000-04:00

Happiness is a choice; and I for one choose to live joyfully in the life I have created. But, I am only human and the world gets me down from time to time. A lot of wonderful and real people have blessed my life; however, just as many phony people have come into it as well. Lately, I have observed a lot of juvenile bullshit (for lack of a better word). If I had a nickel for every person that said to me, "You look like the bitchy-est girl on the face of this earth, but you're actually one of the nicest people I ever met", I would be a millionaire ten times over. With that said, I do not judge a book by its cover. Unfortunately, I have been privvy to whats under some people's covers and the book just plain old sucks!

Instead of bringing sexy back, we need to bring kindness back! When did manners, consideration, and pleasantries become dated? The world needs more brotherly love and less Farmville. It's the little things that are important: holding the door open for a stranger, saying 'good morning' to one another, spending quality time with a child, or just simply flashing a smile.

At the gym this morning, "The Fear" by British rocker Lily Allen came on my ipod. It's a sarcastic view of exactly how I am feeling about the state of our world today. I am sincerely feeling afraid and a bit alone in the world today.

"The Fear"

I want to be rich and i want lots of money

I don't care about clever i don't care about funny

I want loads of clothes and f*ckloads of diamonds

I heard people die while they are trying to find them

And i'll take my clothes off and it will be shameless

'cuz everyone knows that's how you get famous

I'll look at the sun and i'll look in the mirror

I'm on the right track yeah i'm on to a winner

I don't know what's right and what's real anymore

And i don't know how i'm meant to feel anymore

And when do you think it will all become clear?

'cuz i'm being taken over by the fear

Life's about film stars and less about mothers

It's all about fast cars and cussing each other

But it doesn't matter cause i'm packing plastic

And that's what makes my life so f*cking fantastic

And i am a weapon of massive consumption

And its not my fault it's how i'm programmed to function

I'll look at the sun and i'll look in the mirror

I'm on the right track yeah we're on to a winner

I don't know what's right and what's real anymore

And i don't know how i'm meant to feel anymore

And when do you think it will all become clear?

'cuz i'm being taken over by the fear

Forget about guns and forget ammunition

'cuz i'm killing them all on my own little mission

Now i'm not a saint but i'm not a sinner

Now everything is cool as long as i'm getting thinner

I don't know what's right and what's real anymore

And i don't know how i'm meant to feel anymore

And when do you think it will all become clear?

'cuz i'm being taken over by the fear

How to be a Man

2010-07-07T11:25:00.000-04:00

What does it mean to be a man today? How can men consciously express their masculinity without becoming cold or closed-hearted on the one hand… or wimpy and emasculated on the other? What’s the most loving way for a conscious man to express himself?

Here are 10 ways to live more consciously as a man:

1. Make real decisions.

A man understands and respects the power of choice. He lives a life of his own creation. He knows that life stagnates when he fails to decide and flourishes when he chooses a clear path.

When a man makes a decision, he opens the door he wants and closes the doors he doesn’t want. He locks onto his target like a guided missile. There’s no guarantee he’ll reach his target, and he knows this, but he doesn’t need such guarantees. He simply enjoys the sense of inevitability that comes from pushing the launch button.

A man doesn’t require the approval of others. He’s willing to follow his heart wherever it leads him. When a man is following his heart-centered path, it’s of little consequence if the entire world is against him.

2. Put your relationships second.

A man who claims his #1 commitment in life is his relationship partner (or his family) is either too dishonest or too weak to be trusted. His loyalties are misplaced. A man who values individuals above his own integrity is a wretch, not a free thinker.

A man knows he must commit to something greater than satisfying the needs of a few people. He’s not willing to be domesticated, but he is willing to accept the responsibility that comes with greater challenges. He knows that when he shirks that duty, he becomes something less than a man. When others observe that the man is unyieldingly committed to his values and ideals, he gains their trust and respect, even when he cannot gain their direct support. The surest way for a man to lose the respect of others (as well as his self-respect) is to violate his own values.

Life will test the man to see if he’s willing to put loyalty to others ahead of loyalty to his principles. The man will be offered many temptations to expose his true loyalties. A man’s greatest reward is to live with integrity, and his greatest punishment is what he inflicts upon himself for placing anything above his integrity. Whenever the man sacrifices his integrity, he loses his freedom… and himself as well. He becomes an object of pity.

3. Be willing to fail.

A man is willing to make mistakes. He’s willing to be wrong. He’d rather try and fail than do nothing.

A man’s self-trust is one of his greatest assets. When he second-guesses himself by worrying about failure, he diminishes himself. An intelligent man considers the prospect of failure, but he doesn’t preoccupy himself with pointless worry. He accepts that if a failure outcome occurs, he can deal with it.

A man grows more from failure than he does from success. Success cannot test his resolve in the way that failure can. Success has its challenges, but a man learns more about himself when he takes on challenges that involve risk. When a man plays it safe, his vitality is lost, and he loses his edge.

4. Be confident.

A man speaks and acts with confidence. He owns his attitude.

A man doesn’t adopt a confident posture because he knows he’ll succeed. He often knows that failure is a likely outcome. But when the odds of success are clearly against him, he still exudes confidence. It isn’t because he’s ignorant or suffering from denial. It’s because he’s proving to himself that he has the strength to transcend his self-doubt. This builds his courage and persistence, two of his most valuable allies.

A man is willing to be defeated by the world. He’s willing to be taken down by circumstances beyond his control. But he refuses to be overwhelmed by his own self-doubt. He knows that when he stops trusting himself, he is surely lost. He’ll surrender to fate when necessary, but he won’t surrender to fear.

5. Express love actively.

A man is an active giver of love, not a passive receiver. A man is the first to initiate a conversation, the first to ask for what’s needed, and the first to say “I love you.” Waiting for someone else to make the first move is unbecoming of him. The universe does not respond positively to his hesitation. Only when he’s in motion do the floodgates of abundance open.

Man is the out-breath of source energy. It is his job — his duty — to share his love with the world. He must wean himself from suckling the energy of others and become a vibrant transmitter of energy himself. He must allow that energy to flow from source, through him, and into the world. When he assumes this role, he has no doubt he is living as his true self.

6. Re-channel sex energy.

A man doesn’t hide his sexuality. If others shrink from him because he’s too masculine, he allows them to have their reaction. There’s no need for him to lower his energy just to avoid frightening the timid. A man accepts the consequences of being male; he makes no apologies for his nature.

A man is careful not to allow his energy to get stuck at the level of lust. He re-channels much of his sexual energy into his heart and head, where it can serve his higher values instead of just his animal instincts. (You can do this by visualizing the energy rising, expanding, and eventually flowing throughout your entire body and beyond.)

A man channels his sexual energy into his heart-centered pursuits. He feels such energy pulsing within him, driving him to action. He feels uncomfortable standing still. He allows his sexual energy to explode through his heart, not just his genitals.

7. Face your fears.

For a man, being afraid of something is reason enough to do it. A man’s fear is a call to be tested. When a man hides from his fears, he knows he’s fallen out of alignment with his true self. He feels weak, depressed, and helpless. No matter how hard he tries to comfort himself and achieve a state of peace, he cannot overcome his inner feeling of dread. Only when facing his fears does a man experience peace.

A man makes a friend of risk. He doesn’t run and hide from the tests of fear. He turns toward them and engages them boldly.

A man succeeds or fails. A coward never makes the attempt. Specific outcomes are of less concern to a man than his direction.

A man feels like a man whenever he faces the right way, staring straight into his fears. He feels even more like a man when he advances in the direction of his fears, as if sailing on the winds of an inner scream.

8. Honor the masculinity of other men.

When a man sees a male friend undertaking a new venture that will clearly lead to failure, what does the man do? Does he warn his friend off such a path? No, the man encourages his friend to continue. The man knows it’s better for his friend to strike out confidently and learn from the failure experience. The man honors his friend’s decision to reach out and make the attempt. The man won’t deny his friend the benefits of a failure experience. The man may offer his friend guidance, but he knows his friend must fail repeatedly in order to develop self-trust and courage.

When you see a man at the gym struggling to lift a heavy weight, do you jump in and say, “Here… let me help you with that. Maybe the two of us can lift it together”? No, that would rob him of the growth experience — and probably make a quick enemy of him as well.

The male path is filled with obstacles. It typically includes more failures than successes. These obstacles help a man discover what’s truly important to him. Through repeated failures a man learns to persist in the pursuit of worthy goals and to abandon goals that are unworthy of him.

A man can handle being knocked down many times. For every physical setback he experiences, he enjoys a spiritual advancement, and that is enough for him.

9. Accept responsibility for your relationships.

A man chooses his friends, lovers, and associates consciously. He actively seeks out the company of people who inspire and challenge him, and he willingly sheds those who hold him back.

A man doesn’t blame others for his relationship problems. When a relationship is no longer compatible with his heart-centered path, he initiates the break-up and departs without blame or guilt.

A man holds himself accountable for the relationships he allows into his life. He holds others accountable for their behavior, but he holds himself accountable for his decision to tolerate such behavior.

A man teaches others how to treat him by the relationships he’s willing to allow into his life. A man refuses to fill his life with negative or destructive relationships; he knows that’s a form of self-abuse.

10. Die well.

A man’s great challenge is to develop the inner strength to express his true self. He must learn to share his love with the world without holding back. When a man is satisfied that he’s done that, he can make peace with death. But if he fails to do so, death becomes his enemy and haunts him all the days of his life.

A man cannot die well unless he lives well. A man lives well when he accepts his mortality and draws strength from knowing that his physical existence is temporary. When a man faces and accepts the inevitability of death… when he learns to see death as his ally instead of his enemy… he’s finally able to express his true self. So a man isn’t ready to live until he accepts that he’s already dead.

I loved this article written by Steven Plavinka. I think I may have to write the companion article, "How to be a Woman"!

But...

2010-07-06T10:07:00.002-04:00

So, I'm still in love with the man that demolished my heart? So he's apparently professed to still love me? Does it change facts? Unfortunately, it doesn't...it only proceeds to screw with my head and my heart even more. My psychic friend Glenn says that we choose all of this bullshit before we incarnate on this earth (well he didn't use the word "bullshit"). Was I smoking the devil's lettuce when I picked this journey? Sure, a lot has come easily to me; born into a great family with good bone structure and a high IQ. But when it comes to love; I apparently chose the "get tortured" express route. Not cool!

I left him way back when because he wasn't ready to take our relationship to the next level. After 4 years, I was ready for marriage. He was not. We parted not so amicably. A failed attempt at reconciliation clouded with lies he told me about another woman and this break-up could not be more of a dramatic cluster f*ck if I hired John Landis to direct it. And there we were face-to-face, tears stinging our eyes, still in love-even after everything that has transpired..

At the end of the day, I keep reminding myself of what I want. I have always been firm in my stance that I rather end up alone on my own terms, then settle for less than what I want. I love him; however, I wan't more than to be someone's girlfriend for years on end. I'm an old soul trapped in this vuloptuous bod. Call me "faggy", but I do want to come home to my husband every day; the person that I can call my best friend. I don't fault him if he can't give that to me. The ball is not in my court here; I served it and it had not been returned.

You have gotten to know me by now; I won't lie to you all: I'm devastated. My heart hurts and I'm in a dysthmic mood. I'm back to faking a smile on my face, instead of truly being joyful. I guess that's normal considering my world was emotionally rocked. I'm not liking this path I "chose" right now...

Wow...

2010-07-05T10:53:00.000-04:00

“Going out” is partially fun and partially dreadful. The “fun” for me is in the getting ready. Everyone knows I am a designer clothes whore fashionista and “going out” is like a glam red-carpet event in my mind. Plus, my friends are very amusing (they need a reality show, that’s for sure). The “dreadful” for me is putting up with the barrage of idiotic men and their idiotic comments; at the end of the night, I always feel ‘alone’. Thursday night “dreadful” took on a whole new meaning when two worlds collided and I bumped into my ex. Worse then bumping into him was the realization that I still love him.

It was a gorgeous evening; cool for the 1st of July with no humidity. I was in that mood to get all glammed up and dance the night away. It’s always more fun when a big group of your friends are out and we had a huge group of about fifteen of us. I felt like a movie star because the minute I walked through the doors of the lounge, people were running up to me to give me a kiss on the cheek and engage in small talk. One of my girlfriends whispered in my ear, “I don’t want to upset you, but I think your ex is here.” She pointed out his general direction and at first, I thought she was mistaken. But then, like a slow-motion movie, I the music stopped and my heart raced as I traced his cute flippy nose and cheek dimples with my eyes; there he was ten-feet away and he looked good.

I immediately second-guessed my outfit, my hair, the five-minutes I cut from my morning workout; I was an emotional disaster. My girlfriend said, “Let’s go stand by him and see what he does.” Feeling faint, I yelled, “Are you crazy???” and high-tailed it to the bar for a strong shot of liquor and then to the bathroom to compose myself.

Fueled with liquid courage and freshly lip-glossed, I made my way back to my friends. Ex was at the bar, girl by his side. I decided the mature thing would be to break the ice. I went up and said ‘hello’; my stomach felt sick. The conversation was a blur, but I was a little bitchy; a years worth of resentment and tears I guess. I’m not a phony person and it took every ounce of strength I had to keep graceful and conduct myself in a classy manner. But, I’m sad to say, some inner-bitchy leaked out. He didn’t remember what I drank as he offered to buy me a drink. I made some kind of snarky remark about him getting my drink confused with the girl he chose over me. Ah-that inner bitch is hard to restrain.

I found myself looking for him all night. My friends saw my pain all over my face; I felt horrible. No one wants to be THAT girl. I never want to be known as the drama-queen buzz kill chick, but that’s what I became that evening and I couldn’t help myself; my pain was real and sickening and it was torturous to see him and feel love. Love can’t be controlled, even if someone hasn’t earned the privilege of having your heart. I had to know if he was feeling the same…

I walked by him as he was talking to another woman. She was okay looking, but I didn’t feel like 95% of the women in the place were up to my caliber. I tapped him on the shoulder and whispered, “Having a nice time?” To my dismay he left the woman he was talking to and gave me his full attention and said, “No. I’m miserable, actually.” We spoke for awhile; I vented to him because I felt like he was the only one who could understand me and my emotions. He felt the same; he still loves me too.

Wow…

6 Month Report

2010-07-01T10:26:00.002-04:00

So, what's left for a gal to do when she's accomplished 3 out of 5 goals she set for herself? The two I haven't exactly mastered are taking a picture everyday (sheer laziness, I think) and finding love again (but the year is still young, isn't it?). The love one isn't exactly a priority as I have developed a wicked set of trust issues regarding the opposite sex (thank you, ex-boyfriend for that set of neuroses); I've adopted the attitude-when it's time, it will happen. The "right" man will give me the butterflies and make my neurotic ideas about men melt away; and I will know him when he comes into my life!

Whilst love hasn't found me yet, interesting business opportunities have and I am making the most of them. Who knew back when I started this blog on January 1st of this year, I would turn around at the half-way mark and own my own business? And even crazier, it's turning out to be successful and I'm good at it? Crazy the stuff that happens in my life! I am still not ready to reveal the business yet; when my website is ready, I will post it and reveal my new venture (don't you all worry!). And yes, it's legal!!!

A lot of you have asked, where's my book? I wish I could say it was in development, but there is a lot of rejection in the writing arena. Everyone with a laptop is writing a manuscript and submitting it to publishers. Despite the rejection (which is to be expected), I have been approached by several publications to write for them. My blog has actually gotten quite popular (even overseas!) and it's been mentioned on some online publications as 'funny', 'inspirational', and I have been described as a 'hip, cool chick representative of the women of Generation X'! Wow! I just wanted to live life instead of letting it pass me by! The compliments have been flattering; a sincere thank you! I am still plugging away and when my big writing break comes (and it will!), you will all know about it!

The year has not been without its challenges: my Uncle Charlie passed away and my grandfather has been battling colon cancer. Those serious issues were in addition to me battling other personal strife and daily hassels. Uncle Charlie is in a better place and grandpa is doing well; that's what matters most to me!

Thank you all so far for sharing the last 6 months with me; I am certain the next 6 months will be even more exciting! Hope you enjoy the ride with me!!!

More Things Guys Should Know About Ladies

2010-07-01T09:56:00.000-04:00

I don't often steal writing, but, I thought this was too beautiful not to share. It is eloquent, as well as valid! This was written by my good friend Frank Walley. Since his divorce, his insights on women are so spot on! Bravo Frank!

More things guys should know about the ladies.Share

After a night of introspective thinking... and many messages saying I forgot a few... here are all the originals and a few new ones.

Guys, there are so many things that are counter intuitive when it comes to the signals that a woman gives versus what they want, or what you think is the right thing to do versus what the actual right thing to do is. Listed below are what I have figured out, take it or leave it, but you should at least read it once.

When she walks away mad, she isn't looking for space, she wants you to follow. I know, it doesn't make sense , but trust me, that's what she wants.

If she isn't saying anything, ask her what's wrong, and here is the important part, after you ask her, you are now done needing your mouth, just shut up and use your ears the rest of the time.

When she tries to hit you and pushes you acting playfully like she can take you, she wants you to hold her.

Hold doors, pull out chairs, it's just what you do for a lady, and something you should pass on to your sons too.

You will most likely not remember the most important things she will never forget.

She wants to hear about it, but don't tell her about something you aren't going to do. Nut up or Shut up.

She likes poetry, especially if you write it just for her. Stay away from rhyming words like truck and clock.

She may love you through it all, but she doesn't like excuses, over deliver, she's happy, you're happy.

When she is yelling at you and calling you names, look her in the eyes, tell her you love her, and kiss her like you might never get to again. If she goes back to yelling, you need to brush your teeth more often and work on your kissing.

If she doesn't like something you love, ask questions. But don't use those questions to try and change her mind, use those questions to understand why she feels the way she does. Don't worry, in almost all cases if you just listen and let her know you understand, she will end up liking you enough to like what you like.

When you see her at her worst, let her know she is beautiful. Done sincerely you will win her heart, done sarcastically talk to the hand, no not hers, the one you will use to please yourself for at least a week for being an idiot.

When she spends time getting dressed up, be sure you spend time noticing and letting her know how stunning she truly is.

Encourage and support her friendships and her individualism. I know you worry that this beauty you don't think you deserve will meet someone else during "Girls Night Out". Just know if you sincerely tell her to have a good time without any guilt she is going to miss you when she's out, if you're an ass about it, she will be looking for someone better...and rightfully so.

Sing to her, no matter how bad it sounds, sing her your song.

Don't let a month go by that you don't surprise her with something that is special and meaningful. Not a vacuum or a tool belt, lingerie is great, but not every time, flowers should be a part of the weekly routine anyway, be creative, she will notice and appreciate it in ways you won't understand.

Date night is important, don't be the guy the always gets his golf and fishing in, but never takes the misses out. It just doesn't pay.

If you see she is scared, as silly as it may be to you, don't laugh or make fun of her, just make her feel safe, it is the difference between what a boy would do and what a man does.

Get a calendar, know when that time is coming, know when it is upon you, know how to act accordingly during said times.

If you see her crying, don't speak, just hold an listen. You might be able to fix a car or program a DVR, you are not equipped to talk her through something she just needs to cry out. Again, shut up, it works.

Whatever clothes she takes of yours, let her keep. This means she wants to be close to you when you're not there. Don't wear her clothes though, my brother does it and it's just weird.

When she doubts you, don't argue with words, only deeds. It won't be long and she won't be doubting any more.

Endure the girlie stuff with the same zest she does the NFL and NBA, you already have the better deal between the two.

If she is teasing you, it is alright to tease back. But remember she is not one of the guys, as much as she tries to be, remember you're teasing a lady, your lady.

Whenever you can, make her laugh, and take time to notice how beautiful that really is.

Sneak up on her from behind from time to time, and slowly hug her around the waist, so as not to startle, but most certainly to provoke a chill. Whisper something you know she loves to hear in her ear. This little act will greatly increase your odds of wresting toe to toe in the bed later in the evening.

If she is looking you in the eyes, don't ever look away first, even during the Super Bowl.

Any time you get caught in the rain, find cover, and always use that as an excuse to kiss her.

Share your feelings with her, even when they hurt. If you're just too tough for that, well, those guys didn't read this far anyway.

If she says she is ok and she's not, sit down and hang out. Yes, you still have to shut up and wait, but you are starting to get good at it now.

When your out with her, touch her often and gently so she knows you're there. Girls like to know that they are claimed in a crowd, but claimed gently in a crowd.

Keep her secrets hers. Girls talk, you tell your buddy, he tells his girl, you're cooked. See, the shut up thing working again?

When she says she loves you, think about what that means not only to you, but also to her.

When she says she loves you never say "I know" in a cocky tone. Trust me, that is not the response she is looking for.

If you catch her staring at your lips, and you might be talking about something really cool like a car or what you saw on Sports Center, stop what you're doing and kiss her. This always works unless she is staring at a cold sore on your lip, in that case, just continue with your story.

Finally, just remember, your best bet is almost always to just shut up and be there.

Good luck.

~ Frank Walley

Things that I wish I knew a long time ago.

$100 Bill

2010-06-19T09:31:00.000-04:00

If I had a $100 bill and crumpled it up, I'm sure you would still want it. Even if I took that money and rubbed it in the dirt and really smooshed it into the mud, I'm betting you would still want that bill. You would want it because you know the value of it can't be erased by crumpling it and getting it all dirty. That's the way God sees us. Even though we may get sidetracked and knowingly do things that aren't in our best interests; God never sees our worth as diminished. We are still very valuable because He made us with love. The world may cast stones at you and denigrate your reputation by calling you names because of some bad decisions you made, but God knows your value. Remember that as you go forth today and have a wonderful weekend...happy father's day to all the dads!

Drama Can Be Fun

2010-06-17T20:09:00.000-04:00

I can admit it! Once in a while a little bit of drama spices up an otherwise boring day. I think it's part of the female genetic code to induce drama every so often; I am not immune to this phenomenom. Truth be told, I normally abhor dramatic scenes; however, a little well-place estro-fit is just what a gal needs once-in-awhile to get the juices flowing! I assure you my theatrical moments are well-placed and the offending party is quite deserving of my wrath.

The last blog entry was about a little-wanna-be-juicehead-douchebag-smalltime-club promoter. If you recall, I affectionately named him "Dirty Shady". Alas! There is a part II to the sordid Dirty Shady saga. My good friend and associate was the disc jockey at the club Dirty Shady was promoting. Apparently, Dirty Shady stole all of the money the club made and high-tailed it over to a different nightclub with his scumbag friends (who also stole money). Needless to say, the staff (including my friend) did not get paid for their work! I was outraged when I heard this development!

The DJ's wife (a very cool person I am proud to call a friend as well) called me and told me that I was still an adminstrator on one of Dirty Shady's promotional club pages on Facebook. Having access to 4,000 people was irresistable; I took to the Internet to warn everyone about Dirty Shady and his revolting actions. I received hundreds of emails from people thanking me for warning them (some even commented how I saved them money, time, and damage to their reputations). I believed it was my duty to warn people, especially since I offered him my friends eager to work! I am not about killing someone's business; but I am about exposing a lying, scheming thief who blatantly steals money.

Dirty Shady is sufficiently scared of me and I have to be honest and tell you it was a little fun to intimidate such a piece of garbage! A little well-placed drama really can be fun!

Karma for Dirty Shady

2010-06-16T15:29:00.000-04:00

Wow! What an eventful, drama-filled morning I had today! Deceit was exposed and karma came to a dirty, shady kid that really deserved it (and all before I ate my morning oatmeal)! I detest drama; however, sometimes the situation just calls for it and is justified. Sucks to be Dirty Shady today...

The story began about three weeks ago, my friend from high school was slotted to DJ at a new nightclub spot. Dirty Shady was promoting the event with his partner and took a shine to me. Not only did he want me to bartend at the event; he wanted me to work as a bar manager and staff the event. I brought quite a few highly-skilled, professional bartenders to the meeting and they were under the impression that they were all gainfully employed. A few days before the event, I found out that they did not intend to use my staff (just me). I quit on the spot because with the loyalty I have for my friends, I would never screw them over to make a buck! Good people are hard to come by; bartending jobs are easy.

There were other things I did not like about this "Club Promotion" company:
1) Dirty Shady told me he was intent on screwing over his partner and stealing his sponsors, clients, etc.
2) He was hitting on me despite the fact I pointed out to him numerous times that he was in a relationship.
3) Dirty Shady hit on another one of my friends and sent her pictures of his junk (let's just say, it wasn't impressive!).
4) They refused to give me or any employee a guest list at the door forcing my friends to pay a full-price cover.
5) Dirty Shady and his partner were disorganized, unprepared, and unprofessional and neither one could give a straight answer.

I was glad to be done with them, but my friend was still committed to being the disc jockey. After a killer set of hot music, they refused to pay him! Suppossedly Dirty Shady stole the money! Not one to take bullshit lying down, my friend sprung into action: the partners in the company were told of Dirty Shady's plans, Dirty Shady is done in the club business because his game was exposed and everyone is dropping him, and Dirty Shady's girl "found out" about his attempted indiscretions and his lucidious penis-photo bonanza! I am not happy at other people's misfortunes; but that karma sure is a bitch! Sorry Dirty Shady, you reap what you sow...

Gray Skies are Gonna Clear Up

2010-06-15T23:03:00.000-04:00

So much is going on in my life! One of the perils of actually going out and getting a life is less time to blog. Now that the summer is almost here and I will be on summer hiatus from the "day job", I anticipate more time to write (I enjoy sharing my work and life with all of you). I know so many of you have contacted me via email, wondering "What the hell happend to your musings on life I enjoyed so much?" I assure you, they will be back with a vengeance! I did get a nasty case of writer's block for a couple of weeks and my OCD prevents me from publishing anything I do not absolutely love which contributed to my blog stalemate.

I love to brag that my blog is transparent, open, and honest; it is! There is only one "me" in the world (my parents would insist one is more than enough!) and if you want to know how I feel and how I view life, I am truly honored that you take the time to read my "musings". One of my goals when I began this cathartic blog, was to get out of my comfort zone and meet different people and many really awesome job opportunities have come about because I have attained this goal; unfortunately at this time I can not tell you what those opportunities are (legalities and what-have-you). Some have to do with writing and others deal with an industry that I know inside and out that is proving to be a fun way to make extra money.

One really cool happening that I have noticed lately is that my persistant kindness is paying off; others are recognizing my good energy and following my example (dare I say I have become a "role-model" to some?). I have actually had many people in recent weeks compliment the way I see life or thank me because my philosophy helped them to put their own problems into perspective. That's the one benefit of getting your heart demolished; you either become bitter or you are forced to gleen perspective and find joy by helping others. I do not practice kindness to get compliments; I practice kindness because it simply makes me feel good. However, I will admit it did feel nice to break through to some people who judged me harshly upon first meeting and I'm always happy to help someone who needs some encoouragement.

So my friends, great things are happening for me and around me and I hope to share more details of my exciting summer adventures with you soon!

Normal in an Abnormal World

2010-06-06T12:37:00.000-04:00

Everyone I know that is in a relationship has recently jumped ship. Not only are they jumping ship, but, they are already boarding other ships. I have been single for over a year and still don't feel ready to get involved in a meaningful realtionship; does that make me normal or abnormal? I mean, these people professed to love each other and almost tied the knot in some cases (just like me) and a month after the "love of their lives" went kablew-y, they've moved on? How???

My ex met another woman 5 days after I left the house we shared. I'm not going to even lie or put on a front; that shit hurt worse than herpes (I'm guessing-I don't have herpes)! It took me a long time to even give out my phone number to another man without feeling like I was cheating on my ex. I know men often find a rebound very quickly to kill the pain; but, I just can't help feeling out of place in this crazy world today. I'm just a nice girl in a world that's full of not-so-nice, empty people.

I am actually becoming fearful of getting involved in another relationship where I am fully emotionally invested because of what I am observing out in the single's scene: liars, cheaters, manipulators, abusers, users. And what's even more scary to me is the all the people I knew from back in the day who are seperated and divorced partying like its 1996 again; dropping ecstacy in the club while pumping their fists to the beat. But now at 40, it's not looking so cute anymore. What the efffff is going on?

I always felt like an old soul trapped in this curvaceous body of mine. Is the institution of marriage crumbling before our very eyes? Is common decency completely gone? Is there a nice, normal person out there like me feeling defeated by the common in-decency in people? Hope is fading today...

Juicy the Condom Guy

2010-05-26T22:06:00.000-04:00

I'm hung over today. I had an absolutely wonderful time at a birthday party with the old gang last night drinking and listening to old-school house music. My first time ever playing "Flip Cup"; who knew I would be a "Flip Cup" Phenom? I played on the boys team and was voted MVP. Despite my throbbing head and slight nausea, I have errands to run this day. I somehow bravely mustered up the strength to get up, shower, and throw on some clothes and lipgloss. Out the door I went freshly glossed...

My first stop turned out to be the most baffling on my Sunday journey: CVS. It must written in a woman's genetic code to go into a drug store to get one item and walk out with 20 unnecessary items except for the one you needed to purchase. I walked in needing hair conditioner and came out with new eyeshadow and body butter. Back into CVS I went to purchase the nutritive hair mask my overbleached hair desperately needed. As I am waiting online, a very attractive and muscle-y (dare I use the word "Juicy" to describe his physique?) turned around to engage me in conversation. He asks me for my number! At just that moment, I spot an offending item in his hand: a huge box of condoms! What the f*ck? Really? You're hitting on me looking all juicy and you're buying condoms?!?!?

It wasn't even a hopeful little box of "maybe-I'll-get-lucky-today-at-the-nautical-mile" condoms; it was a HUGE box of "I'm-getting-laid-on-a-regular-basis"! I went from feeling exhilarated to insulted (and quite amused). Needless to say Juicy didn't get my number. Judging by his ginormously-sized box of condoms-he didn't really need my digits. And no, the condoms weren't Magnums! Only me!

My Non-Sexual Girl Crush Lives the Life that I Want

2010-05-15T11:49:00.000-04:00

Hi Guys and Dolls! I have had some computer problems (my psychic says mercury was in retrograde and it was messing up computers lol), but I'm back! Sorry for the delay and hope all has been well :)

The purpose of writing this blog was to force me out of my cushy comfort zone and spring me into a full, rich life. I have accomplished this on a small scale; but, I realized I want to live bigger!

On a boring Sunday morning, I was playing on facebook. In the upper right-hand corner was a friend suggestion of a woman that I did not personally know. Her little default picture was of her skydiving, so out of curiosity I clicked on her name. This woman’s profile was open and full of pictures; they were the most vibrant, full-of-life pictures I ever saw and made me feel somewhat “small” in my quest to get a life.

This pretty woman was a model, a missionary, an athlete, an artist, a political activist, a world traveler, and she seemed like great fun! There were pictures of her all over the world performing good deeds, having a hell of a time, and living a full, rich life. She even had a photo section posing with all sorts of different celebrities! I felt inspired and a tad envious; how does one go about having such a life? Why is my life crammed with work, gym, out, and meetings? Why can’t I climb mountains and paint masterpieces and pray with priests in Guatemala while posing with Jennifer Lopez like my new non-sexual girl crush? Sure, money is a factor (I have to work); but I have the urge to do more. Life has been joyful and fulfilling on a small scale, but, I long to do bigger things. But, how? I'm stumped!

“King of Queens” is an amusing television program (and I am very similar to the character “Carrie” on the show). There was an episode where Doug and Carrie accidentally pick up the wrong package of pictures from the photo mat. The photos show a married couple around the same age, living life like my girl-crush and doing all sorts of wonderful things all over the world. Doug and Carrie get jealous and set out to live life like this other couple. This episode reminds me of how I feel (inspired and jealous). I need to figure out a way to do more and really bust out of the comfort bubble I built. Hmmm--stay tuned!

TraceyAnn Answers: Another Round of Pointless Questions for Your Amusement

2010-05-04T20:40:00.000-04:00

You asked these pointless, random questions and I answered! As always, you can send me your questions via email and they may just end up in the next edition of "TraceyAnn Answers"!

Question: Why has your blog become a "bitch-fest"of things you don't like?

TraceyAnn Answers: Life isn't always roses and sunshine, Sizzlechest! To experience "living" and to not merely "exist", you have to feel the lows as well as the highs. I just go with the natural ebb and flow, dude. As of late, there have been some depressing circumstances that have come into this roller coaster I call "My Life". I can't help that the people I love are getting older and getting sick and passing away. Add to that the garden-variety jackasses I have to deal with on a daily basis, people bringing me their bullshit drama, and I need to "bitch" occassionaly; I call it "venting", but whatever...it's healthy to let out the bad emotions and if I choose my blog to vent, so be it (it's much better than punching someone in the face, no?). It's my blog and I'll bitch if I want to! It's healthy!

Question: What is this thing called "blue waffles"?

TraceyAnn Answers: Ugh! I just found out the answer to that today (thanks to my students)! DO NOT GOOGLE IT AND IF YOU DO MAKE SURE THERE IS NO FOOD IN YOUR STOMACH! It's a picture of a very decrepid-looking, diseased, oozing, bruised vagina. "Blue waffles" is slang for a vaginal infection. People will dare each other to Google “BLUE WAFFLE” and click “I’m Feeling Lucky” to create shock and awe in the curious victim. The official definition: A vaginal infection or battering of the vagina. It's the new "2 girls 1 cup" (for the love of all that is good and holy, DO NOT google that either!). If you do look up either, good luck and God's speed!

Question: I've been dating one girl but find her cousin more appealing...any way to do "the switch" without hurting anyone's feelings?
TraceyAnn Answers: Did you not watch that episode of "Seinfeld"? If you have just casually dated "Girl A" and no improper intimacies have taken place; then you can have a talk with "Girl A" (maybe she feels blah about you too, Stud!). If the feeling is mutual, you can seek out "Girl B". However, if any flesh has been exposed that would make Jesus cry, then sorry-you're shit out of luck!

Bar Fight!

2010-05-04T20:16:00.000-04:00

Anyone that is truly close to me knows how much I enjoy trashy reality television shows. Every year my favorites change since the television networks are constantly upping the ante on the “trash factor”. Bridezillas and the Housewives franchise are tried and true, but nothing can replace my “Jersey Shore”. The most amusing little weeble on the show is Snookie. The Snookster has charmed me with her failed quests to find love, musings on guidette life, and a penchanct for finding trouble in bar fights. As is often the case, life imitates “art” (a term I use very loosely in this context), as I got into two “bar fights” recently.

It’s taken me 35 years to actually get into a good old-fashioned bar fight. Considering how often I have gone out drinking in this lifetime; I guess I’m doing pretty well. I am not proud of this distinction, mind you; I’m definitely not a “tough girl” and I try to conduct myself with class. BUT, I will defend myself if need be and I will not let anyone treat me with disrespect. After all, I came out to sip a cocktail, listen to some tunes, and enjoy myself (as I thought everyone else did). Fighting is the last thing on my mind until I started becoming Snookie and finding trouble.

Fight #1-Scene: Low-key lounge on Long Island

I met up with a group of old-friends that I used to boogie down with back in my Hamptons house days circa 2003. It was so nice to see old friends and meet new ones. We ventured over to a spot that was a little more “happening” in contrast to our meeting place. After grabbing a Kettle One and Diet Coke, I placed my drink on a table inhabited by two ladies in their mid 40’s. Instead of asking me to move my drink civily (which I would not have done anyway since no one owns a table in a bar), one of these witches decided to jab her elbow into my spine. Undetered, I stood and pretended her sharp blow didn’t hurt. I whispered in to my girlfriend's ear what was happening, and in a show of support, she put her cocktail down on the table. Jab! Another sharp hit to my back. Then another! Finally, I turned around and said, “Can I help you with something?”

“We are eating dinner,” the wrinkled bitch replied.

“Number one: no you’re not. Number two: that doesn’t give you a reason to hit me three times. Number three: I’m not moving and if you don’t like it, you can kiss my ass!”

“Listen, little girl,” wrinkled bitch stated, “This is our table-so move!”

“Liste, old lady; I’m not moving anywhere,” I charged in my snotty demeanor, “Do you know who I am? I’m Tracey, bitch! Put your hands on me and see what happens! You also might want to think about some botox for those wrinkles!”

Wrinkled bitch hit me again! Seeing an escalation in events, the bouncers finally came over and broke up the nasty situation. I laughed about the whole incident because these women were obviously haters and harmless, annoying pieces of trash, but secretly sad inside that I had to endure this humiliating ordeal. I was blah about having to put myself in this unhealthy social situation in order to be healthfully social; ironic.

Fight #2-Scene: Low-key lounge on Long Island

Just trying to break up the monotony of the week, I went out for a cocktail with friends. One of my girlfriends drank too many drinks in too short a period of time. When she is buzzed she heads for the dance floor and “battles” other people. It’s both embarrassing and humorous; I stay back and watch it unfold. She went up to this herb of a guy to “fight dance” and his disgusting friend with a blonde ponytail tried to work his mojo on me. Wanna hear what his brilliant pick-up line was? Are you ready for this? “You have the nicest t*ts!” YEP! That’s what he said as he groped my body in places not designated for his disgusting, calloused hands to roam! So, I defended myself verbally by yelling at him and physically by throwing my drink in his face. I got one of my very large male friends (he’s 6’7” and huge) to intervene and the fight escalated. I took another glass filled with ice cubes and threw it in his face (it felt so awesome to do it the first time and throwing a drink in someone's face with "Falcon Crest" rage was on my bucket list). This disgraceful douchebags self-described “girlfriend” came over to me and tried to start physically fighting me, but she was held back. "If that’s your man, he really shouldn’t be feeling up strange women minding their own business," I shouted. It was quite a scene with about 15 people involved by the end. Despite being outnumbered, douches group of friends was very scared and intimidated by my very large friend. The asshole and his wimpy posse got thrown out first. He was yelling, “I’m a professional fighter!” as his blonde ponytail was thrown out the door. Then we were asked to leave which was no problem because I had enough drama to last a lifetime.

So how the hell did I become Snookie? In an effort to avoid drama, I try to go to places that are low-key. I “stand out” a little bit, and I get people starting fights with me? What the hell am I supposed to do? Sit home and write nothing interesting for my blog? Ugh! I wish I could tell you I have decided to attend nothing but church socials from now on, but considering the streak I'm on it's possible I might start a riot there, too. The punch and cookies would be flying. Like poor Snookie, I also need some fighting lessons or a very large boyfriend to hide behind should an elbow hit my back or a ponytailed douche comes-a-grabbin. Waaaaaaaaaa!

All About Him: Dating the Narcissist

2010-04-28T23:22:00.000-04:00

I first fell in love with Greek Mythology in the 4th grade. Mrs. Tamisis would tell us these wild tales that would paint an ocean of vivid imagery in my mind. It wasn’t long before my mom had to take me to the library twice a week so I could check out a new mythology book because I would so quickly devour them. I’d steal my mom’s freshly washed sheets off the clothes line and pretend to be Aphrodite. Pretending to lift imaginary boulders in the backyard, I would be as strong as Hercules. I never wanted to be Narcissus; that homeboy was cursed.

Narcissus was renowned for his ultra-sexiness. He was especially unkind to those who did not adore and worship him and his beauty. The gods punished him by having him fall in love with his own reflection in a pool of water. Narcissus died there, unable to leave the sight of his magnificient face. Obviously the personality disorder “Narcissism” is named after this tragic figure. Unlike Greek myths, narcissistic individuals are alive, well, and trampling all over us. If you have to deal with a narcissist in your life; you feel battered, abused, confused, and like a train has run over you. The worst part is you will feel like you were the one that did something wrong!

Our “all about me”, self-absorbed, entitled culture cultivates and promotes this disorder. You don’t have to work hard anymore in our country; bailouts, welfare, healthcare. Instant gratification of our primal needs is the norm. No wonder there are so many narcissists in love with their own reflections! There are degrees of narcissism ranging from annoyingly self-absorbed to maliciously malignant. If you are a female, chances are very good that you have or will have dated one (and I’m not male bashing-just going with the stats); according to psychologists, 75% of narcissists are male. I have dated these types of men. The outcome is never a pretty one and always a painful one.

So what exactly is a “Narcissist”?

-Narcissism is a psychological condition characterized by selfishness, self-preoccupation, lack of empathy, and blaming others for their problems. Narcissists usually have abusive childhoods and grow up feeling insecure and inferior. In order to compensate for this low self-esteem, a character is created; charming, attractive, intelligent, humorous. The kind of person we would all love to be around! Unfortunately, that person does not exist. Growing up in an abusive home teaches a child how to compartamentalize and repress feelings; therefore, narcissists can feign emotions, but, they don’t really feel them.

What are Narcissists like in relationships?

-They are exciting, fun, and charming…in the beginning.

-They enjoy the passion of a new love interest, but do not develop feelings of love as the relationship moves forward.

-They seek partners who make them feel admired, special, powerful, attractive, or important.

-As the relationship progresses, the façade is maintained at work and in friendships. In the love relationship, however, the façade is crumbling and the true, dark character is revealed. The love partner is constantly criticized and can not do anything “right”. If they cross the narcissist, affection and attention is withheld.

-Narcissists regard relationships as interchangeable. If you no longer fuel the narcissists needed self-esteem, they will quickly replace you with someone else. Be wary of a person who goes from relationship to relationship without any alone time in between.

-They give mixed singles and run hot and cold.

-They are masters of control and manipulation; they play people against each other with ease.

-They avoid commitment.

-Narcissists constantly make it obvious that they care less than the other party so they claim the “upper hand”.

What can you do if you have a Narcissist in your life?

Do not give the Narcissist what they want and crave; drama and attention. If you ignore this person by failing to give them a role in your life, it will cause them discomfort. It also will help you to move forward. There is nothing you could have done or said and it is not your fault. You became attracted to this person because they have desirable traits. What gal wouldn’t be a sucker for charm, flattery, and a man with status (or seems to have status)? My advice is to run; run as far away from this man as you can! Resist their charms and cries; it's all an Academy Award winning act!

People think Narcissism is a disorder that revolves around loving oneself too much; it’s actually the opposite! The Narcissist is unable to love anyone, including themselves. They loathe themselves and are jealous of everyone else that can “feel”. Sometimes I wish I was more like a narcissist and unable to feel as deeply as my big, mushy heart can feel; but, how sad it must be to never feel the highs that go along with loving someone! I much rather be a hopeless sack of romantic love like Aphrodite and not a dead Narcissus!

Shut up and Listen!

2010-04-27T15:18:00.000-04:00

If we all just listened to what people told us, we would not be hurt when it comes to love. In fact, most of us wouldn’t fall “in love” with the wrong people if we just paid attention. Sometimes the messages are very subtle and you must remain astute and aware of your inner voice; other times people will tell you flat out who they are and what they want out of life. Even with such pertinent information, we remain in denial with the hopeful attitude that they can change. I have news for you; people don’t change. Reflecting on my own experiences, I could have saved years of heartache; but I’m not the only one led astray by an optimistic heart . I see it all around me through my friends and their pain, too. Here are their stories:

Case #1: Tina

Tina was in a two-year relationship with Rich. Rich went through a painful divorce and told Tina from the beginning that he never again would get married and he had no desire to have children. Tina had the desire for both, but Rich was a good guy. Sure he said he didn’t want the same things, but once he fell in love with Tina she was convinced that he would change his mind. Rich did fall in love with Tina, but he never changed her mind. The desire for marriage and children overwhelmed Tina and the unsatisfying relationship became too much for both of them to continue. Its years later and Tina still has a broken heart and no marriage or children; she feels like she wasted time with Rich. If only she had just LISTENED to what Rich told her!

Case #2: Ann

Joe lavished attention upon Ann from the very first meeting. He complimented her incessantly and would text or email constantly to say “I miss U” or “Thinking of U”. She felt flattered by all of this interest, but there was a little teeny tiny voice inside Ann that was a tad skeptical. Ann dismissed this little voice as her low self-esteem brought on by countless bad relationships. After a whirlwind courtship, Ann finally gave her heart to Joe. When something seems too good to be true, it is! If only she had just LISTENED to her little voice trying to guide her; he up and left her with no explanation.

Case #3: Mena

Mena was in a four-year relationship with Bob. Throughout their rocky relationship, Bob would always say he didn’t “trust” her or anyone else for that matter. When Bob would go out drinking with his buddies, he would send Mena drunken text messages telling her to “run away” from him because he was “damaged”. This made Mena feel sorry for Bob and try to show him more care and more love. Like most women, Mena believed love could “cure” Bob of the demons and scars left from his bad childhood. She was wrong; but could not be cured and could not commit. If only she had just LISTENED to what Bob told her!

God bless our little idyllic hearts, but, not everyone thinks the way we do. Especially men; and I mean that in a good way. Usually men are very upfront; what you see is what you get. They spell out their relationship potential; we just fail to listen! We are too busy thinking of what clever or witty thing we are going to say in response to their statement and we don’t hear them. It’s our failing to listen, wither to actual words or our inner wisdom that leads to unrealistic expectations and eventually our heartbreak. Women are the ones who give cryptic messages or expect a man to figure out their feelings based on voice inflection.

My girls above take their experiences as lessons learned and you can take that away from their heartaches too. So shut up and listen for a change!